From the bottom of my broken heart

In a new beginning http://piginoz.blogspot.com/2014/11/a-new-beginning.html, the story was told from the viewpoint of Sam, the psychiatrist, here is a continuation of Eva’s story from Sam’s point of view.

I sat in my office waiting for my next appointment. I flipped open the file:

A happy wedding turned into a sad funeral. Matt, the bridegroom was no more and Eva can only weep sorrowfully at the heavens as they will be forever separated in life. She wore her blood stained white wedding dress for three days and three nights as she stared at his picture. At the hospital, she refused to leave Matt, so much that her family have to request the medical staff to sedate her so that Matt can be prepared for the funeral service. She would eat nothing as the only thing she can feel now is emptiness. She no longer lives because her love, her heart and soul had died with him.

Eva, sitting alone in her blood stained white wedding dress on the floor of the bathroom, resembled a withering rose.

Eva did eventually get off the floor of that bathroom. It was 2 a.m when I received the call from ED. My patient almost drowned. She walked alone to the lake where Matt proposed and jumped in from the spot where he asked her to marry him just a mere two month ago. The water was freezing and she was in hypothermia. When I walked into ED, she was as cold as ice and she was pale. Lifeless. Somehow the hot blankets worked, somehow, after 2 hours of continuous resuscitation effort, her temperature returned to normal and her heart started beating again. Literally, but when she was conscious, her eyes were like glass, she couldn’t and wouldn’t utter a single word. She as the masses would say, is heartbroken.

So now she sits in my office and I am trying to help her. But first, I need to convince her to reveal her past. She started by telling me her experiences when she was a child.

So what if they call me a prostitute"?so what if i really am a prostitute?some states even fight for the rights to legalize prostitution..........and i never thought that prostitution is not a proper job. for millions of years, people have done barter trading. selling personal goods and services in return for something else. which is what i did. so you wanna call me a prostitute?Go ahead.

I am just a girl. True, i sell my body for people who can help me fulfill my dreams. i remember i was 16 years old. My tuition teacher always liked me. He buys me things and cuddles me. He was a man in his 40s but he has given me so much in terms of knowledge and experience. and the most important referral letter that i needed to get a scholarship to go to university when i was 17. So my results are mediocre. but i managed to get in the top highest medical school in the country.

University is a gate to the big world. Yes, the big world is full of big bad wolves and also..................perverts.........this is where i met my mentor......Carl...........he was a part time lecturer but he really is a full time medical officer at a local hospital near my university. Attending Carl's lectures, i can never pay attention to the subject he is lecturing on. I only have eyes for him. Thus begin my infactuation to the very handsome and very charismatic lecturer. Only one problem...he is married...unhappily.....

How would i know?He told me..as soon i was to be doing research under him. Which is my life's dream. To see him everyday. It makes every girl die happy. Many nights we spend together in our research laboratory. Seeking cure to mankinds greatest fear. Sickness and diseases.....research was C's life......work is also his life........because he has no other life. Married for the past 5 years with no signs of marital life. It was a " "loveless" marriage. He once told me he feels very trapped in his family and that his wife does not understand him.

2 years. I worked under C for 2 years where my infactuation grew into true love. I would do anything for this man if he asks me. Everytime i look at him, i was filled with a desire to bring him love and care and all the happiness in this world. One night, it was a particularly busy quarter...and all lab work need to be completed to be published in the summer version of the journal of medicine in order for the next semester's grant for research to be approved. Everyone in the team was working really hard and we were all physically and mentally exhausted. I couldn't stand the look of C's baggy puffy eyes so i went to the cafeteria to get us some coffee...........

The hallways were dark. I was alone and i began to worry as i hear footsteps behind me...........my heart started beating really fast and i walked as fast i could to the coffee machine....suddenly i hear a very loud sound and everything was pitch black.

I woke up in a hospital bed. The first sensation I could feel was pain. I couldn’t remember anything. The police came and took my statement. I was told that they found me by the trash, naked and violated. My face was badly bruised and my ribs were broken in three places. There was a 10 centimeter scar across my neck from my right ear down my throat. My attackers were obviously never trained medically as they missed all my jugular veins. I lied in the trash for almost three hours before the janitor found me. It was a miracle that I was alive.

Life as I know it from that point onwards was over. I didn’t know how to live with me because I hardly know myself. The first time I looked into the mirror five days after I woke up, I screamed at the stranger staring back at me.

C never once looked down on me or my dark murky past. When I felt that I was drowning, he was there to lend me a hand to pull me out of the water. I took showers about ten times each day because I can always feel that there is filth on me and I must have been washing my hands about 100 times a day. Still C never once judged me. He stood by me and he gave me hope. He was the reason I learned to walk again in this long winding and bumpy road we call life.

He accepted me for me and for that i learned that i must accept him from him. Many nights were spent alone in his big empty house, waiting. It was all part and parcel of being with someone so full of ambition.

But sometimes, the nights can be lonely. But i have learned from past failed relationships that love means accepting a person's good qualities and accepting and learning to love those that werent. Because nobody is perfect.

But C being him, is just this perfect guy that wants his girl to have a perfect world. We are two people that are very much in love, and for me, he was willing to give up anything.

I could not let him do that. i could never let him give up his dreams for me. So i choose to let go. I choose to end the relationship this time. Before everything turns sour. I said harsh words. Very harsh words. And then i do what i do best. I disappeared and did not looked back.

You see, MSF does this mission once in a while to specific areas in the world where medical services are needed. If he passed it up, i have no idea when the same chance will come again. i have always believed that if you truly love a person, you do not try to possess him or to keep him by your side, as that is never the main aim. If you truly love someone, you would want him to be happy. And that when you see that he is happy, chasing after his dreams and living it, you would be happy too. No matter how painful it takes for you to put that sharp knife through yourself.

It was a painful step, but i was necessary in order for him to be able to go out on his own, and be free to chase his own dreams, even if those dreams do not include me.

About 6 weeks after I left, I had an accident. We were unloading supplies into a medical camp when suddenly……………….

*Whether this story will continue or not depend on your vote. If you are interested to hear what happened next, insert your name in the comments section.

First love

It was during my final year internship that i met C. To me, he was the perfect guy. Charismatic and funny at the same time. He was an avid researcher and it was his dream to do research in medicine to benefit mankind.

C never once looked down on me or my dark murky past. He accepted me for me and for that i learned that i must accept him from him. Many nights were spent alone in his big empty house, waiting. It was all part and parcel of being with someone so full of ambition.

But sometimes, the nights can be lonely. But i have learned from past failed relationships that love means accepting a person's good qualities and accepting and learning to love those that werent. Because nobody is perfect.

But C being him, is just this perfect guy that wants his girl to have a perfect world. We are two people that are very much in love, and for me, he was willing to give up anything.

I could not let him do that. i could never let him give up his dreams for me. So i choose to let go. I choose to end the relationship this time. Before everything turns sour. I said harsh words. Very harsh words. And then i do what i do best. I disappeared and did not looked back.

You see, MSF does this mission once in a while to specific areas in the world where medical services are needed. If he passed it up, i have no idea when the same chance will come again. i have always believed that if you truly love a person, you do not try to possess him or to keep him by your side, as that is never the main aim. If you truly love someone, you would want him to be happy. And that when you see that he is happy, chasing after his dreams and living it, you would be happy too. No matter how painful it takes for you to put that sharp knife through yourself.

It was a painful step, but i was necessary in order for him to be able to go out on his own, and be free to chase his own dreams, even if those dreams do no include me. Who am I? I am Eva and this is my story

A new beginning

On April 11, 2013, i wrote a story entitled Just a girl @ http://piginoz.blogspot.com/2013/04/just-girl.html

Her story did continue, albeit one year later.

A new beginning

The first time I met Eva, she was just a regular girl sitting in my office. Wavy soft brown hair, large dark brown eyes, 5 feet tall and curvy. It was just another consultation, perhaps just a regular case of MDD. But as the sessions continue, I am blown away by how many secrets this young girl can contain. You see, in my line of work, confidentiality is very important. But the stories she carry is much too interesting to be kept secret. So I have decided to write them down. But I will not share with just anyone, only to those that have the ability to read not from the eyes but through the heart. If you are reading this now, I hope you can do that.

It all begins with a red wedding. No, its not the type of Asian wedding where the bride dresses up in red and gets sent off in a red carriage. This is the Game of Thrones equivalent type of red wedding. She was 25 years old, and she thought she found someone that she could spend the rest of her life with. She walked down the aisle in her white dress accompanied by her beloved father with the rest of the family in attendance, watching her glow with the kind of joy that can only stem from true love. Her groom, 32, a tall handsome imposing figure turns around to see the mate he plans to love and cherish forever. All of the sudden, there was a sound of gunshot. Bang. All the ladies start screaming and running. Eva never made it to the end of the aisle.

A happy wedding turned into a sad funeral. Matt, the bridegroom was no more and Eva can only weep sorrowfully at the heavens as they will be forever separated in life. She wore her blood stainned white wedding dress for 3 days and 3 nights as she stared at his picture. At the hospital, she refused to leave Matt, so much that her family have to request the medical staff to sedate her so that Matt can be prepared for the funeral service. She would eat nothing as the only thing she can feel now is emptiness. She no longer lives because her love, her heart and soul had died with him.

Eva, sitting alone in her blood stainned white wedding dress on the floor of the bathroom, resembled a withering rose. Would she be able to find a new beginning for herself?

Stay tuned to find out.

To be continued...............


**If you like my stories, please leave a comment so that I will be motivated to write somemore**

the prayer

I pray you'll be our eyes
And watch us where we go
And help us to be wise
In times when we don't know

Let this be our prayer
When we lose our way
Lead us to a place
 Guide us with your grace
To a place where we'll be safe

The voice of Celine Dion soothes me on a troubled day

It is exhausting to live sometimes you can't really blame those who sought to end life. I can sort of see their point. Recently a bout of evil office politics saw me nauseated and dizzy. Sometimes I wish I could just quit. It is then I turn to chanting the mantra mortgage mortgage mortgage. Yup, that kept me going for a while.

I envy those who never seem to tire. Yes, I.m talking about you Mr. Teoh SuLim, yes I also mean you Peng. How do you guys get all the energy?Greats....you guys are like giants and how I hope I can just be a little like you.

Achievements, another aspect which I wonder, how do you do it?can give me some tips?

It has been said that behind every successful man there is a women. However behind every successful woman there is usually a tragic story. I have always dreamed of finding a successful man to stand behind but failing miserably.

 So I have chosen the latter. The tragic story part though.......perhaps if I jumped off a cliff tomorrow........ hahaha.....oh well.....they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?

Hope to get your support and prayers through this.



E la fede che
Hai assesso in noi
Sento che ci salvera

Death

Death is the solution to all problems.

The last enemy that shall be destroyed is Death.

人生走到尽头 的 是 后, 还有什么值得留恋的呢

Our country has seen dark days this year. First, a plane disappears, then another shot down. Life is certainly too fragile. Its like candlelight sometimes before a candle is burned to the end, the light is just snuffed out.

But is Death really a scary thing? Everyone dies eventually right?there lies the question, would I rather be a ghost of 370 or 17? Maybe a ghost of 370 as the plane is not found yet and I could still be alive somewhere naively speaking. How about living relatives?in my personal opinion, I would rather be a living relative of 17 as at least it is certain the outcome and would not be left guessing for months. Some may argue that its better to have hope than none at all but when a person is dead, it is better to be certain that person’s death and have found the body to prove it rather than死无全身

About a month ago I read a touching wedding story. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2671525/It-like-heartbreaking-fairytale-Emotional-moment-cancer-patient-weds-true-love-hospital-ceremony-dying-just-10-hours-later.html

The couple had a two year old daughter…I suppose one feels sorry for the dead but perhaps the one suffering the most through these are the ones that are still living.

Perhaps to the dead, it is a certain kind of release. Especially those who are suffering in this life..

Funny in this life, people usually fight to live and yet some may find that life is生不 如死. Perhaps I should have traded souls with some of those abroad those flights.

Yes, to trade volatile and incompetent me with one of those HIV researchers who may have a better chance of de hacer una differencia.

Initially due to my obsession with World Cup and its shinning star Lionel, I did some research on the life of Eva Peron. It may not be a bed of roses but at least after her death, millions remember and love her. I was inspired to do something to make a difference in the descamisados of the world but now I just realised how vastly incompetent I am. Do I deserve to live over those hundreds of life that tragically ended through those tragedies? I cant say. But one thing is for certain, although I am born on the same day as Eva, I can never be her no matter how naively I dream to be.

Suddenly it seems my obsessions are the only thing that is keeping my sanity til now. Without them to distract me, I came back to reality which when hits you in the face could certainly be fatal in its own way.

Maybe its time to embrace Death and the release that it can bring. Maybe Father in Heaven would take pity on his worthless little girl and take her back into his arms for once. One can only hope.

For every cloud is there a silver lining?

当一个人太伤心了思考，往往导致人放弃一切. Qué significa nada si todo el mundo trata de consolarla? 人は一生懸命再試行して、もう一度、彼女は価値があることを証明するとき、それは本当に問題ではありません？quand il ya un rêve impossible, elle a osé rêver. 하지만 그녀는 꿈은 항상 꿈이 될 것입니다 알고 현실에서 설정할 때, 당신은 잔인한 현실에 일어나해야

La realidad de que la vida es dura, tan dura que a veces es agotador sólo para vivir. Maybe ... maybe illic est aliquid melius est reverti in armis olim Faber i tandem pax ametur. 我只是要找到这样做的最好方式.

There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong

I dreamed a dream in times gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung

No wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame

He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came

And still I dream he'll come to me
That we'll live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed
Lyrics from eLyrics.net

World Cup Final Brazil 2014

Winners: Germany
Golden Ball: Lionel Messi

It is a good game really. From day 1 the Albiceleste entered the finals, many think they don't stand a chance. But they fought bravely until the very end. They didnt have Angel Di Maria and Sergio Aguero wasnt in top form. The rest of the team was mediocre. Though i must give credit to the defenders for fighting until the very last few minutes of the game. They did well, they all did well. And if i am given the opportuity to say something to Argentina...it would be "Well done guys, thank you for doing your very best and giving us such an interesting game to watch" They just looked so exhausted...Albiceleste, I am proud of you. You didnt lose, you got second place. I know that in your eyes thats just not good enough but hey really, look on the bright side. You got past the quarter finals and you are in the finals for the first time in 20 over years. You have achieved what previously couldnt be achieved and a lot of you are still young and still can have another go in 4 years time.

Lionel, you did your best. You are the best player of the tournament and you've got the Golden Ball to prove it. As captain, you are great. Its just that you didnt have enough support from your teammates and its not your fault. Your best partners were injured or recovering from injury. The rest of them probably need to improve on skills for the next tournament but you did great. You had to stay in the shadows of Diego Maradona this whole time and at the same time u carry the weight of the nation on your shoulders. I feel your stress and burden. But its okay....you are only 27, 4 years from now you can still lead your country to victory. Sleep on it mi amor and wake up tomorrow and look forward. You still have your whole career ahead of you.

You have been my inspiration since the start of this tournament Lionel. You still are...and i as a fan, admirer makes a vow that in the next four years i will also do my best to improve myself. In terms of career and other personal achievements. I strive for one to be able to do something that would make a difference to the world. And I would also try my best to learn some Spanish so that if ever i get the chance to meet you we can have a conversation?I would love to have your autograph. Maybe i'll have a chance to in the next four years. Hopefully your English will also improve by then. Apart from that i also pledge to do more charity work and champion more causes that matter to the world. I will in the next four years make myself, my family and hopefully my nation proud of me and i hope that you would be able to do that too.

See you in Russia 2018.

Lionel Messi

Honestly....there has never been a man that is in my mind so much that its as if he lives there...permanently.

I have been spending every waking hour thinking of him. I wonder how he feels at the moment..tired out after the match with the Dutch?is he training for the final?is he stressed about the clash with Germany?

I have every faith that he will do his very best this Monday...but i am genuinely worried as Germany is really good...Plus a really handsome coach.............i mean...the German coach of course...not the Argentine....

What will happen? I cant wait...but I hope they will put up a good fight and avenge the Brazilians....tear down the Berlin wall again!

Lionel....my heart and soul is no longer with me..they are with you at this moment urging you to do your very best and to give your all without regrets. I know for the past 3 matches you didnt score but its okay...no matter what we all love you and believe that you can do the magic!!!!

Vamos Lionel!!! Vamos Argentina!!!

World cup fever!!

Argentina into the semi finals! Wow, my idol and first time captain Lionel Messi has finally been able to propel his country through past quarter finals.

After the world cup started, I have somewhat caught the samba fever head on this time. Especially since my idol is captain of his team. From the beginning, I was genuinely worried for them because the whole team has not exactly given stellar performances for the last 4 matches they have played. I almost had a heart attack during the first knockout game too as they needed to go to extra time to score.

This samba fever in my system is not just rooting for a certain team as well. Its more of rooting for a person, that is of course Lionel who became the person I followed the most for the past 3 weeks whether in the news or in social media. I even went crazy enough to look up his charity organisation and considering to contribute as well as going relentlessly on amazon.com to try and buy his book Messi: Choose to believe which would cost probably a few hundred RM for it to be shipped to me.

Many may argue that my fascination for this soccer player is surely the school girl type or the tragical princess looking for prince charming kind of admiration. True, there maybe elements of that but my fascination with him begins 4 years ago in 2010 when I started watching the World Cup with genuine interest for the first time.

I should probably thank Walt for inducing my Messi-fever during that period, the thing about Lionel that impresses me the most is his loyalty to Barca. As I was told Lionel declared he will never leave Barca for whatever price unless he is sold because he remembers that at the time when he needed help the most, it is that FC that lends out a hand. For a young soccer player having the world under his feet to be able to withstand materialism and show much gratitude towards a benefactor, he truly did earned my respect. Then, there is his sob story of humble beginnings and struggles through a growth hormone deficiency problem since a young age. Instantly double that respect. He didn’t manage to score in 2010 but for the above stated reasons, Messi-fever lasted several months until after the tournament ends before dying down.

Fast forward to 2014, Messi-fever is back. Every single day my thoughts were given to this man, be it a few minutes to hours per day. Watching him evolve on the field, as his no.1 fan, tonight, I feel as I have evolved also. From the beginning I looked forward to see him scoring and my main point of checking the match results (the ones not involving Argentina) the following day would be to see if any of the top scorers had scored. To the point that when Germany played against France yesterday I was actually racing to see the scoreboard just to check if Mueller had scored. And I was pretty happy this morning when I saw that the 2 Brazilian goals weren’t from Neymar. I was pretty sad to see James somebody scoring.

All of that changed this afternoon after hearing the news of Neymar’s injury. One would think that I would be happy to have a golden boot contender out of the race. But I hear of the news of the injury upon reading Lionel’s message to Neymar wishing a speedy recovery. It virtually opened a can of worms for me. Instead of wishing he would score, I was praying that he wouldn’t be injured in any way during tonight’s match. As I watched Lionel play, I suddenly a sort epiphany, I realised that Lionel’s started playing with the team and not in the team. Especially the last two games where he set up goals instead of scoring them. I suddenly realised I could be just as happy watching him control the ball and then pass in on to others so that they could score. I mean, as a star player, the competition would center their defence plan on him. He uses that as an advantage, if he lures them away, he opens up spaces for his team mates to score. Di Maria did the last time, and Higuain did it today. That’s taking one for the team for you and watching him grow to become a Captain that controls and directs the team towards victory is so much more rewarding than a single goal for a personal few minutes of fame. Of course, scoring will be a big achievement for Lionel as he has yet to found a way past the Belgium goalkeeper in the past games they played against each other. Still, as I have thought earlier when Higuain scored, the team might benefit from a bit of feng shui. Meaning if fates dictate Lionel is never meant to score with that goalkeeper, let someone else do the scoring. Worked quite well but of course winning is the mainpoint while scoring against that particular goalkeeper is just icing on the cake. One icing that he will just have to do without this time.

My Messi-fever has gone up a different notch too. Instead of rooting for the man, I now seek to become the man. Even more so after I have read the first chapter of his book, Choose to believe. From a small town boy to a big star, his hurdles with needing financial support, the battle with growth hormone deficiency, death of his grandmother, being a loving father to Thiago, doing charity work through his Leo Messi Foundation to his recent appointment as UNICEF ambassador, he is a role model to look up to in every aspect. And I just found out he is 27, just like me and his birthday is on 24 June meaning he is exactly a month and 17 days younger than me. Yet he has achieved so much.

It made me reflect and think, Penny, what have you been doing your whole life?I now seek Lionel as inspiration. What makes him so successful? Is it his passion for playing football? Maybe, and he managed to make it his full time job too. Maybe I need to fine passion in my full time job or find a job that I am passionate about.

I used to be really good at stuff and then somewhere along the lines I have lost my mojo. I need to get it back. Bouncing up and down, since my high school graduation, I realised that I have never truly stopped obsessing about me. But I have also lost my confidence and gained a lot of weight on the way and somehow that is just unforgivable.

I am unable to go on writing as I have reached the part where I might just grind myself to dust for all the useless things I have done for the past 27 years of my life. Its time to move on. I need a kick. Hopefully a big one coming from Lionel Messi, my dearest idol. My message to Lionel: I know you strive to win the world cup for Argentina but I do hope that you stay safe for the next two games. You might not have that personal breakthrough you are hoping for but you are safe and your team is through, you will have more chances in the future. Gol o no gol usted es mi héroe. And I sincerely hope that Angel Di Maria would recover from injury well enough to play in the next two games. Making that man my second favourite Argentinian for his determination and superb runs in the matches.