Oh gosh...i have been at tdm for almost a month..i cant believe it..it seemed like just yesterday i wrote the pre tdm blues http://piginoz.blogspot.com/2011/09/pre-tdm-blues.html.
times does fly. Rereading my previous post brought tears to my eyes. last month, i thought i lost my friend Serena. Today, i lost another friend. i do seem to have the habit of losing friends. Serena says its due to my spontaneus innocent nature that brought me to act in a way that sometimes though my intentions are good, may hurt or harm others. well, if i do look back, perhaps it is true. perhaps i should tone down the "friendliness" in me that seems to bring me endless trouble whereever i go. Its a thought, thanks Serena my friend, for being there when i needed a friend the most.
After a week of sickness and nausea, it brings back memories of six years ago when the similar thing happened to me. It seems that i might have missed the fact that the waves of sickness i experience do seem to coincide with the same dates on the same year each year. is it my guilty conscious speaking due to grief of my loss? 6 years ago, i lost someone that could have meant a lot to me. I was only 18 but i understood the true meaning of losing someone you really loved. One would claim that what i am suffering from is a UTI or even more ridiculous, a positive UPT but i suppose no one, even the most professional in the field could tell me what is wrong, i suppose its all in the end just a guess
anyway, i feel better after a long long sleep the whole afternoon. and the fact that Zelia replied my sms-ses, reminding me that i still have a friend in HSJ. Thanks Zelia, you really made my day a lot better, i cant wait to go out with you and meet your friends tomorrow night.
Now, it is the time for me to battle with insomnia again, or perhaps, i should just swallow those tablets and sleep better with it, with hopes that my last day at HSJ would not be as horrible as my last few.
"Gone yet not forgetten,
although we are apart,
your spirit lives within me,
forever in my heart."
The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen, nor touched, but are felt in the heart. *Helen Keller*
"An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth.
Then whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth".
"What we have once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us." Helen Keller
"To Remember Is Painful
To Forget Is Impossible."
~Maureen Connelly
Friday, September 30, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Contagion
wow...wat a great movie about infectious disease and how health care professionals fight against it. Was a great night...went swimming after work and then a movie with friends.
such a nostalgic night though...to be among friends and to feel like you are among strangers. when there are odd numbered people in a group and everyone walked in pairs but u are isolated...well...i suppose thats one opportunity to join another pair but a more passive person may just shrink away and feel a bit lonely.
sometimes, i wish i could do better things in life...like the girl in the movie who injects herself with a new vaccine or barry marshall who swallowed a culture of h.pylori. At least, i would have made a sacrifice that benefited mankind and not just living now wasting breaths of air and taking the space of others who are more worthy of living.
Life can be cruel to people..like the poor souls in NICU that i see every day. i'm sure they are in a lot of pain. yet, everyday as a tdm pharmacist, we need to squeeze blood out of these tiny things just to prove something that may not even be clinically significant.
Sometimes i wonder, is it more painful to suffer from a wound that never heals for years or die from an infection that kills you in hours?
With that i end my entry..and oh...happy birthday Chelfi
such a nostalgic night though...to be among friends and to feel like you are among strangers. when there are odd numbered people in a group and everyone walked in pairs but u are isolated...well...i suppose thats one opportunity to join another pair but a more passive person may just shrink away and feel a bit lonely.
sometimes, i wish i could do better things in life...like the girl in the movie who injects herself with a new vaccine or barry marshall who swallowed a culture of h.pylori. At least, i would have made a sacrifice that benefited mankind and not just living now wasting breaths of air and taking the space of others who are more worthy of living.
Life can be cruel to people..like the poor souls in NICU that i see every day. i'm sure they are in a lot of pain. yet, everyday as a tdm pharmacist, we need to squeeze blood out of these tiny things just to prove something that may not even be clinically significant.
Sometimes i wonder, is it more painful to suffer from a wound that never heals for years or die from an infection that kills you in hours?
With that i end my entry..and oh...happy birthday Chelfi
Friday, September 9, 2011
Long distance relationships
Dear Blog,
Today is a day of pretty free-ness ending with sudden busyness. not much tdm cases but at 5pm, HBM sent us a neonate genta level...grrrr....lunch was good but i was manipulated by reps of RHB, citibank and standard charted to apply for their credit cards...double grrrr...or rather.....triple grrrrr..well, at least i got some free gifts
Today finally met Dr Chelsia!!!wonderful...hopefully we can go watch movies together soon!hmmm...today my post tdm drive home was full of thoughts. Mainly is because the stupid TDM level for the neonate of approx 2kg was pre 1.05 and post 0.9. Lucky miss Teoh was around and immediately spotted the fact that this is a missed dose case. when we called w1, the SN insist that she did serve the dose. grrrrrrrrrrrrr
well, we just informed the results and told them to intepret themselves. because we realise if the SN indeed served the dose we would double dose the child with our recommendation. So it was a period of informing both clinical pharmacist at HBM, the ward, and the on-call pharmacist.
however, when i got home,i was contemplating long distance relationships and its joys and tears. i was in a long distance relationship once and it did not last. I can still remember the feeling of love fading as each day goes by, the angry phone calls, tears, and a pretty messy break-up in the end.
Exhibit A,
"love hurts whether its right or wrong"-avril lavigne
A and B were in love, or at least A thought she was. Just out of high school, they were good friends, they thought they were going to see the world together, hand in hand. but then the fates did not allow that. to explain, firstly i must mention that they were both academically prognostic and hoped to pursue higher education overseas. they both applied for scholarships and the heartbreak began the day the results was announced. A did not succeed but B did. he was to leave immediately the next week and will be bound for a 5 year programme in Korea. A had two loses that day, first she did not achieve my dream of going overseas and 2nd, her then other half is leaving. she remembered not feeling the taste of food, hunger, pain or heat. it presisted for a few weeks. then her scholarship appeal results came out and she got the scholarship. but that also meant the end of her relationship which she then found out. she was to go to Australia to study for 4 years. Yes, A was happy to achieve her dream but it also meant that she and him will be separated into two hemispheres of the globe. A tearful 2 months followed as they cherished their last months together studying a prep course for students who are going overseas. and the day came when A said goodbye at the airport.
A never realised that love could fade so easily, it started when what used to be enjoyable became a dread. IM-ing him because less and less frequently and she started to dread his calls or emails. love slipped away silently. The fact that she was not able to physically hold him or for him to be there for her when she needed him most was the biggest factor. one day she just couldnt take it anymore and broke up with him.
it wasnt a pretty break-up as a few months later, A met another mr. right. B thinks A left him for another and refuse to believe A when she denies, broke into her email and violated her privacy rights. that was the ugly part. The uglier part?mr. right became mr. wrong in less than 6 months. A was stressed and depressed and her own family was on the brink of being torn apart. mr.right/wrong left for all the reasons that A need him at her side the most for. her heart was crushed. she learned not to ever love again.
Exhibit B
X and Y met at university, and had a wonderful 2.5 years dating. endless movies, dinners, holidays, romantic walks............the whole package.......X even made promises to Y that they will eventually marry, making plans to buy a house etc etc. Y thought she was giong to spend the rest of her life with him. But one day he complained about her attitude and told her he did not love her anymore. He then broke up with her.
Exhibit C
W and V was lovers in high school and pre university but went to different states for university after graduation. Things progressed from frequent phone calls, IMs and email to one person dreading or taking for granted these are important. V no longer felt the need to rush to the phone when he calls, or feel that thump going in her heart when she receives his email. when he visits, she rather spend her time with someone else. They eventually parted amicably
Exhibit D
two persons who have been married for a long time, lives together physically but is apart mentally. 20 years of fights over trivial issues such as money, children, money, money....and are still fighting, cold wars, outright yelling, silent treatments. communication i believe is the key to all happy relationships and apparently this is not present in this couple. what is the point of remaining married when you are not happy nor in love?
based on exhibit A, B, C and D i suppose we could safely assume that long distance relationships do not work?i humbly ask your opinion. i for one learned my lesson and bore it well for one of these exhibits was my own story.
this is not saying that you shouldnt pursue long distance relationships. i strong suggest that you do, the only thing is to recognise when love no longer exists and knowing how to let go when that happens. to all my friends who are in long distance relationships, i wish you all the best and to all my single friends, all the best in finding mr/miss right.
每次到了夜深人靜的時候我總是睡不著
我懷疑是不是只有我的明天沒有變得更好
未來會怎樣究竟有誰會知道
幸福是否只是一種傳說 我永遠都找不到
＊我是一隻小小小小鳥
想要飛呀飛 卻飛也飛不高
我尋尋覓覓尋尋覓覓一個溫暖的懷抱
這樣的要求算不算太高------------------------------------->exactly how i feel now T_T
dear blog, i feel so emotionally drained right now...i will chat with you again, thanks for being my most faithful listener
Love,
Penny
Today is a day of pretty free-ness ending with sudden busyness. not much tdm cases but at 5pm, HBM sent us a neonate genta level...grrrr....lunch was good but i was manipulated by reps of RHB, citibank and standard charted to apply for their credit cards...double grrrr...or rather.....triple grrrrr..well, at least i got some free gifts
Today finally met Dr Chelsia!!!wonderful...hopefully we can go watch movies together soon!hmmm...today my post tdm drive home was full of thoughts. Mainly is because the stupid TDM level for the neonate of approx 2kg was pre 1.05 and post 0.9. Lucky miss Teoh was around and immediately spotted the fact that this is a missed dose case. when we called w1, the SN insist that she did serve the dose. grrrrrrrrrrrrr
well, we just informed the results and told them to intepret themselves. because we realise if the SN indeed served the dose we would double dose the child with our recommendation. So it was a period of informing both clinical pharmacist at HBM, the ward, and the on-call pharmacist.
however, when i got home,i was contemplating long distance relationships and its joys and tears. i was in a long distance relationship once and it did not last. I can still remember the feeling of love fading as each day goes by, the angry phone calls, tears, and a pretty messy break-up in the end.
Exhibit A,
"love hurts whether its right or wrong"-avril lavigne
A and B were in love, or at least A thought she was. Just out of high school, they were good friends, they thought they were going to see the world together, hand in hand. but then the fates did not allow that. to explain, firstly i must mention that they were both academically prognostic and hoped to pursue higher education overseas. they both applied for scholarships and the heartbreak began the day the results was announced. A did not succeed but B did. he was to leave immediately the next week and will be bound for a 5 year programme in Korea. A had two loses that day, first she did not achieve my dream of going overseas and 2nd, her then other half is leaving. she remembered not feeling the taste of food, hunger, pain or heat. it presisted for a few weeks. then her scholarship appeal results came out and she got the scholarship. but that also meant the end of her relationship which she then found out. she was to go to Australia to study for 4 years. Yes, A was happy to achieve her dream but it also meant that she and him will be separated into two hemispheres of the globe. A tearful 2 months followed as they cherished their last months together studying a prep course for students who are going overseas. and the day came when A said goodbye at the airport.
A never realised that love could fade so easily, it started when what used to be enjoyable became a dread. IM-ing him because less and less frequently and she started to dread his calls or emails. love slipped away silently. The fact that she was not able to physically hold him or for him to be there for her when she needed him most was the biggest factor. one day she just couldnt take it anymore and broke up with him.
it wasnt a pretty break-up as a few months later, A met another mr. right. B thinks A left him for another and refuse to believe A when she denies, broke into her email and violated her privacy rights. that was the ugly part. The uglier part?mr. right became mr. wrong in less than 6 months. A was stressed and depressed and her own family was on the brink of being torn apart. mr.right/wrong left for all the reasons that A need him at her side the most for. her heart was crushed. she learned not to ever love again.
Exhibit B
X and Y met at university, and had a wonderful 2.5 years dating. endless movies, dinners, holidays, romantic walks............the whole package.......X even made promises to Y that they will eventually marry, making plans to buy a house etc etc. Y thought she was giong to spend the rest of her life with him. But one day he complained about her attitude and told her he did not love her anymore. He then broke up with her.
Exhibit C
W and V was lovers in high school and pre university but went to different states for university after graduation. Things progressed from frequent phone calls, IMs and email to one person dreading or taking for granted these are important. V no longer felt the need to rush to the phone when he calls, or feel that thump going in her heart when she receives his email. when he visits, she rather spend her time with someone else. They eventually parted amicably
Exhibit D
two persons who have been married for a long time, lives together physically but is apart mentally. 20 years of fights over trivial issues such as money, children, money, money....and are still fighting, cold wars, outright yelling, silent treatments. communication i believe is the key to all happy relationships and apparently this is not present in this couple. what is the point of remaining married when you are not happy nor in love?
based on exhibit A, B, C and D i suppose we could safely assume that long distance relationships do not work?i humbly ask your opinion. i for one learned my lesson and bore it well for one of these exhibits was my own story.
this is not saying that you shouldnt pursue long distance relationships. i strong suggest that you do, the only thing is to recognise when love no longer exists and knowing how to let go when that happens. to all my friends who are in long distance relationships, i wish you all the best and to all my single friends, all the best in finding mr/miss right.
每次到了夜深人靜的時候我總是睡不著
我懷疑是不是只有我的明天沒有變得更好
未來會怎樣究竟有誰會知道
幸福是否只是一種傳說 我永遠都找不到
＊我是一隻小小小小鳥
想要飛呀飛 卻飛也飛不高
我尋尋覓覓尋尋覓覓一個溫暖的懷抱
這樣的要求算不算太高------------------------------------->exactly how i feel now T_T
dear blog, i feel so emotionally drained right now...i will chat with you again, thanks for being my most faithful listener
Love,
Penny
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Post swimming issues
Gosh, finally managed to go swimming after so so so long...great to have a bit of workout after being stagnant for so long
and speaking of stagnant...geez...i'm thinking of how horribly contaminated the water in the public swimming pool looked. could resist washing myself with KMnO4 after swimming in it...and urrrgghhh..the toilet is just horrible..i just had a quick shower and went home to bathe.
anyway...its been a pretty good day...did some case clerking, calculations, went to chai leng park for lunch.....got ta pao some chicken thigh mee sua soup..everything good except those naughty guys who teased me throughout lunch and drive back...grrrrr
and then...finally after so long i spotted my firiend Dr. Chelsia at W5 when i went case monitoring. and hah...i found Dr kerwin made a mistake in bed 27's ticket...the vanco level was 17.8 la..not 11.8....grrrr
yan-ying and the other fellows are planning to go sibu on 15th next month...wonder if i will be able to get leave...geesh..have to decide by this sunday because need to buy ticket alr....
all's well ends well...yawn..tired after a long day
and speaking of stagnant...geez...i'm thinking of how horribly contaminated the water in the public swimming pool looked. could resist washing myself with KMnO4 after swimming in it...and urrrgghhh..the toilet is just horrible..i just had a quick shower and went home to bathe.
anyway...its been a pretty good day...did some case clerking, calculations, went to chai leng park for lunch.....got ta pao some chicken thigh mee sua soup..everything good except those naughty guys who teased me throughout lunch and drive back...grrrrr
and then...finally after so long i spotted my firiend Dr. Chelsia at W5 when i went case monitoring. and hah...i found Dr kerwin made a mistake in bed 27's ticket...the vanco level was 17.8 la..not 11.8....grrrr
yan-ying and the other fellows are planning to go sibu on 15th next month...wonder if i will be able to get leave...geesh..have to decide by this sunday because need to buy ticket alr....
all's well ends well...yawn..tired after a long day
TDM at HSJ week 1 D3
Life at HSJ for a month began this week. i am already over the pre-tdm blues of the previous post so i supposed i am moving on.
i've met some nice people at HSJ, oh, most importantly, i saw an old friend from pre-u at disted. Its nice to know someone when you are in a strange environment. and of course, there's serena's friend which i met earlier. i wonder if he remembers who i am...hmmmm
these days one of the little joys of my early morning is to visit SCN/NICU to collect blood samples. There i can see newborns, premies, neonates and infants during the first few days of their lifes!however, i daren't stay too long as seeing these poor things in pain with tubes coming out of the mouths and goodness knows which orifices these doctors/nurses could stick them in makes me feel a bit depressed. i wonder how the parents of these infants feel....esp the mother....after "bersusah-payah" deliver the baby, it ended up in intensive care with things poking out of it. Must be really sad for them...parents..i started imagining the pain i would feel if i am a mother..then again...i suppose i have a long way to go............
yawn..lately has been having a pretty not so good sleep at night so having low energy levels in the morning. really need to go swimming tomorrow..i wonder if it is alright to swim with my contact lens on. hope its alright
yawn again...
i've met some nice people at HSJ, oh, most importantly, i saw an old friend from pre-u at disted. Its nice to know someone when you are in a strange environment. and of course, there's serena's friend which i met earlier. i wonder if he remembers who i am...hmmmm
these days one of the little joys of my early morning is to visit SCN/NICU to collect blood samples. There i can see newborns, premies, neonates and infants during the first few days of their lifes!however, i daren't stay too long as seeing these poor things in pain with tubes coming out of the mouths and goodness knows which orifices these doctors/nurses could stick them in makes me feel a bit depressed. i wonder how the parents of these infants feel....esp the mother....after "bersusah-payah" deliver the baby, it ended up in intensive care with things poking out of it. Must be really sad for them...parents..i started imagining the pain i would feel if i am a mother..then again...i suppose i have a long way to go............
yawn..lately has been having a pretty not so good sleep at night so having low energy levels in the morning. really need to go swimming tomorrow..i wonder if it is alright to swim with my contact lens on. hope its alright
yawn again...
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Pre TDM blues
Monday will be my first day of doing TDM at HSJ. Suddenly, feel quite scared of the coming month. anyhow..its been a pretty uneventful night...
sadness envelopes me as i contemplate my action of past two weeks. out of kindness of my heart i told a friend the truth about another friend. i wanted to help, and i meant to help but instead i lost them both. sometimes i wonder whether it pays to be nice.
i thought i was never going to let another guy step between me and my good girlfriend. then again, it seems i am never learning from my mistakes arent i?
during nights like this i frequently thought of my ex-es, one which i left and another which left me. karma i suppose, i hurt someone so in the end i was hurt. ya, fair's fair i guess i dont have the right to complain. but Ryan, if you ever get the chance to read this, i just want to say, the wound you left in me never healed. Five years ago when you stopped loving me, u put a knife through me and that wound i doubt will ever heal. you are going to be a doctor but i doubt any medical knowledge you have gained or may gain would ever heal that wound you have caused. i hope you are happy now because although i'll never be i still wish you the world's happiness
whooosh...i've always wanted to say that but i don think i will ever be able to say it to his face..oh well...just as well he'll never read this
as for serena and jin hui..i'm sorry if i have hurt you both but i really hope that we can still be friends. if i repeat to myself a thousand times tonight "i shall not meddle", maybe it will stick.
i hope i will be able to fall asleep tonight.
P
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