No mountain's too high for you to climb
All you have to do is have some climbing faith, oh yeah
No river's too wide for you to make it across
All you have to do is believe it when you pray
And then you will see, the morning will come
And everyday will be bright as the sun
All of your fears, cast them on me
I just want you to see
I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel, I'm your angel
I saw your teardrops and I heard you cry
All you need is time, seek me and you shall find
You have everything and you're still lonely
It don't have to be this way, let me show you a better day
And then you will see, the morning will come
And all of your days will be bright as the sun
So all of your fears, just cast them on me
How can I make you see?
I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
[| From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/c/celine-dion-lyrics/i_m-your-angel-lyrics.html |]
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel, I'm your angel
And when it's time to face the storm
I'll be right by your side
Grace will keep us safe and warm
And I know we will survive
And when it seems as if your end is drawing near
Don't you dare give up the fight
Just put your trust beyond the sky
I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel
I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel
I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I'm your angel
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Friday, March 2, 2012
Who am i?
Its one of these days when i wonder...who am i..........sure.....i'm use to picking up the phone and saying yes this is penny the pharmacist........but am i really a pharmacist?sometimes i wonder......
just like today...i realised that when looking at a prescription of 300mg bpenV for a 3 year old child and not realising what the problem was.........seeing my superiors picking out newbies to be their successor and realising i was never on the list or even when counselling patients that i couldnt even do properly, the basic skills that a pharmacist needs to have.....
then there was this horrible presentation.........one that i have been preparing for 3 months and still in the end i have absolutely no idea what i was saying and was basically just reading from the slides blindly......i have never been so under prepared in my whole life.....
then, there is a question and answer session.........pediatric doses for things like piriton, prednisolone, salbutamol even, i do not know.......what do i know??everyday i go to work.....am i being a health hazard to all my patients?
then there is the issue of patients. when it comes to expensive medications, who will decide which patient deserve better?does everything have to come in a first come first served basis?the world is unfair...in the world of medicine, is it fair the earlier bird gets the fattest juiciest worms?or does the richer and more educated can demand for a better treatment while others who are not so fortunate deal with what they have?
how long can i continue life like this?what can i do to become better?i use to placate myself by saying, everyday i am improving............but am i?these are one of the days when i am so glad i never chose to become a doctor because i am sure i will be one of those who end up killing all my patients.......
just like today...i realised that when looking at a prescription of 300mg bpenV for a 3 year old child and not realising what the problem was.........seeing my superiors picking out newbies to be their successor and realising i was never on the list or even when counselling patients that i couldnt even do properly, the basic skills that a pharmacist needs to have.....
then there was this horrible presentation.........one that i have been preparing for 3 months and still in the end i have absolutely no idea what i was saying and was basically just reading from the slides blindly......i have never been so under prepared in my whole life.....
then, there is a question and answer session.........pediatric doses for things like piriton, prednisolone, salbutamol even, i do not know.......what do i know??everyday i go to work.....am i being a health hazard to all my patients?
then there is the issue of patients. when it comes to expensive medications, who will decide which patient deserve better?does everything have to come in a first come first served basis?the world is unfair...in the world of medicine, is it fair the earlier bird gets the fattest juiciest worms?or does the richer and more educated can demand for a better treatment while others who are not so fortunate deal with what they have?
how long can i continue life like this?what can i do to become better?i use to placate myself by saying, everyday i am improving............but am i?these are one of the days when i am so glad i never chose to become a doctor because i am sure i will be one of those who end up killing all my patients.......
Friday, February 24, 2012
2AM on a Thursday night
Dear blog,
it is the same feeling of being really really tired but just couldnt fall asleep...........yawn.........................this is pure torture........
Relaxation music...that might help...........back to december...how is that for soothing music?
Memories came back to me.................good ones and bad ones. lately a colleague sighed and said "sometimes i feel so lonely.....unlike the rest of you...having your husband/boyfriend to go with you if you want to go somewhere for a holiday" i have to admit..sometimes i feel that way too.............when i reflect on my past.......i realise that once i was also part of this group of people that my colleague envied......i have loved somebody and he loved me back............but all i gave him was goodbye. felt a bit guilty.........but life goes on.......i'm not taylor swift......i have no intention of swallowing my pride and changing my mind.......a decision good or bad was made and even if i was to remain single for the rest of my life...SO WHAT??its better than being with a wrong person...........
i have a good future.........i am going to be a good pharmacist.........i have friends.......some i can even call family............relationships, tears, love, hurt........i don't need them..........which reminds me of a song Stay the same by Joey McIntyre.....that would be my short term goal for now...........
it is the same feeling of being really really tired but just couldnt fall asleep...........yawn.........................this is pure torture........
Relaxation music...that might help...........back to december...how is that for soothing music?
I'm so glad you made time to see me.
How's life? Tell me how's your family.
I haven't seen them in a while.
You've been good, busier than ever,
We small talk, work and the weather,
Your guard is up and I know why.
Because the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind.
You gave me roses and I left them there to die.
So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying, "I'm sorry for that night,"
And I go back to December all the time.
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you.
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right.
I go back to December all the time.
These days I haven't been sleeping,
Staying up, playing back myself leavin'.
When your birthday passed and I didn't call.
And I think about summer, all the beautiful times,
I watched you laughing from the passenger side.
Realized that I loved you in the fall.
And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was "Goodbye".
So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying, "I'm sorry for that night."
And I go back to December all the time.
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time.
I miss your tanned skin, your sweet smile,
So good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night --
The first time you ever saw me cry.
Maybe this is wishful thinking,
Probably mindless dreaming,
But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right.
I'd go back in time and change it but I can't.
So if the chain is on your door I understand.
But this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying, "I'm sorry for that night."
And I go back to December...
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,
Wishing I'd realize what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right.
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time.
All the time.
How's life? Tell me how's your family.
I haven't seen them in a while.
You've been good, busier than ever,
We small talk, work and the weather,
Your guard is up and I know why.
Because the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind.
You gave me roses and I left them there to die.
So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying, "I'm sorry for that night,"
And I go back to December all the time.
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you.
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right.
I go back to December all the time.
These days I haven't been sleeping,
Staying up, playing back myself leavin'.
When your birthday passed and I didn't call.
And I think about summer, all the beautiful times,
I watched you laughing from the passenger side.
Realized that I loved you in the fall.
And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was "Goodbye".
So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying, "I'm sorry for that night."
And I go back to December all the time.
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time.
I miss your tanned skin, your sweet smile,
So good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night --
The first time you ever saw me cry.
Maybe this is wishful thinking,
Probably mindless dreaming,
But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right.
I'd go back in time and change it but I can't.
So if the chain is on your door I understand.
But this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying, "I'm sorry for that night."
And I go back to December...
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,
Wishing I'd realize what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right.
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time.
All the time.
i have a good future.........i am going to be a good pharmacist.........i have friends.......some i can even call family............relationships, tears, love, hurt........i don't need them..........which reminds me of a song Stay the same by Joey McIntyre.....that would be my short term goal for now...........
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Unanswered questions
Dear blog,
Why do i ask questions that i dont want to hear answers about?why do i constantly hurt myself by doing things that i know will eventually come back and hurt me?why do i let my emotions cloud my better judgement?why why why?
Sometimes i wish that i could handle myself better in these kind of situations..........i am 25 years old this year.......i have lived for 25 years as a human...how could i not know that a brick wall is made of bricks and cements and keep consciously and subconsciously knocking my head on it?
Perhaps my counselor would say thats self sabotaj and that i am punishing myself...i am punishing myself because i believe that someone like me does not deserve to be loved, does not deserve to be close to someone, does not believe that the girl in the mirror is beautiful....deep within regardless of physical appearance...
Maybe i just need someone to look at me and say the words "you are beautiful". in my whole life of 25 years i have only heard those 3 words once....they were not from a boyfriend (that would be bias), those words were uttered by a friend on my 20th birthday. I long to hear these 3 words again.......
Why do i ask questions that i dont want to hear answers about?why do i constantly hurt myself by doing things that i know will eventually come back and hurt me?why do i let my emotions cloud my better judgement?why why why?
Sometimes i wish that i could handle myself better in these kind of situations..........i am 25 years old this year.......i have lived for 25 years as a human...how could i not know that a brick wall is made of bricks and cements and keep consciously and subconsciously knocking my head on it?
Perhaps my counselor would say thats self sabotaj and that i am punishing myself...i am punishing myself because i believe that someone like me does not deserve to be loved, does not deserve to be close to someone, does not believe that the girl in the mirror is beautiful....deep within regardless of physical appearance...
Maybe i just need someone to look at me and say the words "you are beautiful". in my whole life of 25 years i have only heard those 3 words once....they were not from a boyfriend (that would be bias), those words were uttered by a friend on my 20th birthday. I long to hear these 3 words again.......
To someone i hate with all my heart
I hate the way you talk to me
And the way you cut your hair
I hate the way you drive my car
I hate it when you stare
I hate your big dumb combat boots
And the way you read my mind
I hate you so much that it makes me sick
It even makes me ryhme
I hate the way you're always right
I hate it when you lie
I hate it when you make me laugh
Even worse when you make me cry
I hate the way you're not around
And the fact that you didn't call
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you
Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.
And the way you cut your hair
I hate the way you drive my car
I hate it when you stare
I hate your big dumb combat boots
And the way you read my mind
I hate you so much that it makes me sick
It even makes me ryhme
I hate the way you're always right
I hate it when you lie
I hate it when you make me laugh
Even worse when you make me cry
I hate the way you're not around
And the fact that you didn't call
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you
Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.
Friday, January 20, 2012
你是風兒我是沙
你是風兒我是沙 LYRICS
nǐ shì fēng ér wǒ shì shā你是风儿我是沙
chán chán mián mián rào tiān yá
缠缠绵绵绕天涯
nǐ shì fēng ér wǒ shì shā
你是风儿我是沙
chán chán mián mián rào tiān yá
缠缠绵绵绕天涯
zhēn zhòng zài jiàn jīn xiāo yǒu jiǔ jīn xiāo zuì
珍重再见今宵有酒今宵醉
duì jiǔ dāng gē cháng yì hú dié kuǎn kuǎn fēi
对酒当歌长忆蝴蝶款款飞
mò zài liú liàn fù guì róng huá dōu shì jiǎ
莫再留恋富贵荣华都是假
chán chán mián mián nǐ shì fēng ér wǒ shì shā
缠缠绵绵你是风儿我是沙
Repeat Reff
dīng níng zhǔ fù qiān yán wàn yǔ liú bú zhù
叮咛嘱咐千言万语留不住
rén hǎi máng máng shān cháng shuǐ kuò zhī hé chù
人海茫茫山长水阔知何处
làng jī tiān yá cóng cǐ bìng jiān kàn cǎi xiá
浪迹天涯从此并肩看彩霞
chán chán mián mián nǐ shì fēng ér wǒ shì shā
缠缠绵绵你是风儿我是沙
diǎn diǎn dī dī wǎng rì yún yān wǎng rì huā
点点滴滴往日云烟往日花
tiān dì yōu yōu yǒu qíng xiàng shǒu cái shì jiā
天地悠悠有情相守才是家
zhāo zhāo mù mù bù fāng tà biàn hóng chén lù
朝朝暮暮不妨踏遍红尘路
chán chán mián mián nǐ shì fēng ér wǒ shì shā
缠缠绵绵你是风儿我是沙
From the bottom of my broken heart - Britney spears
"Never look back," we said
How was I to know I'd miss you so?
Loneliness up ahead, emptiness behind
Where do I go?
And you didn't hear
All my joy through my tears
All my hopes through my fears
Did you know, still I miss you somehow
[CHORUS:]
From the bottom of my broken heart
There's just a thing or two I'd like you to know
You were my first love, you were my true love
From the first kisses to the very last rose
From the bottom of my broken heart
Even though time may find me somebody new
You were my real love, I never knew love
'Til there was you
From the bottom of my broken heart
"Baby," I said, "please stay.
Give our love a chance for one more day"
We could have worked things out
Taking time is what love's all about
But you put a dart
Through my dreams through my heart
And I'm back where I started again
Never thought it would end
[Repeat CHORUS]
You promised yourself
But to somebody else
And you made it so perfectly clear
Still I wish you were here
[Repeat CHORUS]
"Never look back," we said
How was I to know I'd miss you so?
How was I to know I'd miss you so?
Loneliness up ahead, emptiness behind
Where do I go?
And you didn't hear
All my joy through my tears
All my hopes through my fears
Did you know, still I miss you somehow
[CHORUS:]
From the bottom of my broken heart
There's just a thing or two I'd like you to know
You were my first love, you were my true love
From the first kisses to the very last rose
From the bottom of my broken heart
Even though time may find me somebody new
You were my real love, I never knew love
'Til there was you
From the bottom of my broken heart
"Baby," I said, "please stay.
Give our love a chance for one more day"
We could have worked things out
Taking time is what love's all about
But you put a dart
Through my dreams through my heart
And I'm back where I started again
Never thought it would end
[Repeat CHORUS]
You promised yourself
But to somebody else
And you made it so perfectly clear
Still I wish you were here
[Repeat CHORUS]
"Never look back," we said
How was I to know I'd miss you so?
P.S I dedicate this song to someone i have loved a long time ago. I hope you are happy where you are. Thank you for once loving me and leaving me with not just sweet memories but also sweet words.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Feelings
Dear blog,
i am so so stressed that i think i am self inducing nightmares. what is going on?i wonder sometimes...suddenly i remember what my psychiatrist and counselor told me that what i have been initially telling them when i relapsed was just a bunch of emotions and that i should write them out to better understand myself
i am feel fear, guilt a lot of times as i have a lot of pending work to do. yet. i do not have the motivation to do them.
i also fear migraine attack, developing diabetes and subsequently CHD.
i look into the mirror and i don't really like what i see. Too much fat, too puffy a face...flabby arms
physically, i feel pain, muscle cramps have been bothering me. nightmares make me sweat and palpitate as well as shaky hands. tears kept coming out of my right eye (weird). Lethargy...this feeling of physical exhaustion and heaviness i my chest everytime the sun comes down............
okay...i'm done with negative feelings...how about positive ones?
i spent the whole day with mom and dad yesterday....mom is so happy that she din complain of feeling tired or cold....
opportunity cost- a financial term i learn from jane and yien. i din get any work done but i spent time with family. and today. i am going to do it again. because i love them and they are all i have now.
i am so so stressed that i think i am self inducing nightmares. what is going on?i wonder sometimes...suddenly i remember what my psychiatrist and counselor told me that what i have been initially telling them when i relapsed was just a bunch of emotions and that i should write them out to better understand myself
i am feel fear, guilt a lot of times as i have a lot of pending work to do. yet. i do not have the motivation to do them.
i also fear migraine attack, developing diabetes and subsequently CHD.
i look into the mirror and i don't really like what i see. Too much fat, too puffy a face...flabby arms
physically, i feel pain, muscle cramps have been bothering me. nightmares make me sweat and palpitate as well as shaky hands. tears kept coming out of my right eye (weird). Lethargy...this feeling of physical exhaustion and heaviness i my chest everytime the sun comes down............
okay...i'm done with negative feelings...how about positive ones?
i spent the whole day with mom and dad yesterday....mom is so happy that she din complain of feeling tired or cold....
opportunity cost- a financial term i learn from jane and yien. i din get any work done but i spent time with family. and today. i am going to do it again. because i love them and they are all i have now.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
My very own black friday experience
Dear Blog,
Today is not the best day at all...in the morning, i suddenly decided to do my FBS and got poked twice (by the most experienced nurse in the hosp) before blood could be drawn out. Then...the results by reflo: 6.9 and with a HbA1c of 6.8....what are the chances that i have developed type II DM from the lineage i share (dad, grandmother)..another thing...it might be fated that i need to do OGTT next TCA at MOPD...........(*thinking hat on) perhaps i should abscond.........
Then, while i was trying to do my work, i developed a migraine attack caused a code blue. An ambulance had to come and take me to A&E from store integrasi. What drama. Everyone was looking. Celine and Jie Jie came all the way from MOPD then all the way to A&E to see me, See Chiat almost got scared to death, i vomited out all of my breakfast and got poked, iv dripped and iv tramalled at A&E before being discharged at noon.
Bright spots though i met Dr Goh in the morning. clarified with him that its ok to continue my t.atenolol 25mg OD even if i have new onset diabetes. And something that was carried forward from monday, i am officially diagnosed by our medical specialist as having a migraine...not space occupying lesion or brain tumor or anything. Good news.
Lunch with see chiat, phei qi, khai sin, xi you, hui yen at boston. met with Dr Joanne and the other prps and saw a bunch of doctors (Dr.Kong, Dr. Liew, Dr. Chee). Had some food after vomiting all breakfast and managed to keep it down. Bought gifts as signs of appreciation to pn najwa and pn syakinah...pretty things...
Then the farewell dinner. Bump into two big bosses at parking lot. Had good chat with Mak Wong (btw thanks for being one of my blog readers) Got a lucky draw gift...fantabulous. Had a little chat with Si Zheng about traditional chinese med for mom (who is suffering from pitting oedema and cold extremities). Took lots of pictures, gave an impromptu short speech, realised that fellow prp Lutfi is a great master of ceremony, and at the end of the day...went home with jie jie and mak wong (not a lonely drive home).
So dear blog, is my glass half empty or half full today?definitely half full. hope tomorrow i will do better...should i dye my hair purple for new year?
Today is not the best day at all...in the morning, i suddenly decided to do my FBS and got poked twice (by the most experienced nurse in the hosp) before blood could be drawn out. Then...the results by reflo: 6.9 and with a HbA1c of 6.8....what are the chances that i have developed type II DM from the lineage i share (dad, grandmother)..another thing...it might be fated that i need to do OGTT next TCA at MOPD...........(*thinking hat on) perhaps i should abscond.........
Then, while i was trying to do my work, i developed a migraine attack caused a code blue. An ambulance had to come and take me to A&E from store integrasi. What drama. Everyone was looking. Celine and Jie Jie came all the way from MOPD then all the way to A&E to see me, See Chiat almost got scared to death, i vomited out all of my breakfast and got poked, iv dripped and iv tramalled at A&E before being discharged at noon.
Bright spots though i met Dr Goh in the morning. clarified with him that its ok to continue my t.atenolol 25mg OD even if i have new onset diabetes. And something that was carried forward from monday, i am officially diagnosed by our medical specialist as having a migraine...not space occupying lesion or brain tumor or anything. Good news.
Lunch with see chiat, phei qi, khai sin, xi you, hui yen at boston. met with Dr Joanne and the other prps and saw a bunch of doctors (Dr.Kong, Dr. Liew, Dr. Chee). Had some food after vomiting all breakfast and managed to keep it down. Bought gifts as signs of appreciation to pn najwa and pn syakinah...pretty things...
Then the farewell dinner. Bump into two big bosses at parking lot. Had good chat with Mak Wong (btw thanks for being one of my blog readers) Got a lucky draw gift...fantabulous. Had a little chat with Si Zheng about traditional chinese med for mom (who is suffering from pitting oedema and cold extremities). Took lots of pictures, gave an impromptu short speech, realised that fellow prp Lutfi is a great master of ceremony, and at the end of the day...went home with jie jie and mak wong (not a lonely drive home).
So dear blog, is my glass half empty or half full today?definitely half full. hope tomorrow i will do better...should i dye my hair purple for new year?
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Battle with self
Its a new year...life is good......the cold war ended at my home and i got my happy family back..........i'm turning 25 this year, i survived 9 months of prp trainning, i made new friends, reconnect with some old ones..............
I should be happy........its good year.........but yet, i feel this overwhelming urge to cry right now...and the i realised.....all i ever wanted was a shoulder to lean on.....a few kind words.........a pat on the head.......i reach out my hand to call out for help but i reach into an empty space..
I must continue this battle........my hands are shaking i'm having palpitations and tears are rolling down my eyes.........but i cant give up..........i have so much......life has been good to me........i need to give back..........
wish me luck my dear blog, at times like i only have you..
I should be happy........its good year.........but yet, i feel this overwhelming urge to cry right now...and the i realised.....all i ever wanted was a shoulder to lean on.....a few kind words.........a pat on the head.......i reach out my hand to call out for help but i reach into an empty space..
I must continue this battle........my hands are shaking i'm having palpitations and tears are rolling down my eyes.........but i cant give up..........i have so much......life has been good to me........i need to give back..........
wish me luck my dear blog, at times like i only have you..
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Mixed anxiety disorder and depression
Dear blog,
I have never openly admitted that i have this condition. because of the social stigma that surrounds mental illness everywhere i tried to hide from my illness. i realised this when i went to my doctor's appointment last week. i was actually afraid that my new friends will see me there in the waiting area and what they would think of me.
That was when i realised that i havent really accepted that i really have this disease. Despite writing about my condition in previous entries, i never really did delve into the illness because everytime, i give myself excuses that when i am in remission, i'm fine. i can function like a normal human being. but i am not. i do have this condition, psychiatrists (certified), psychologists, counsellors have seen me and the latest prescription i had on a handwritten HBM prescription had the penyakit column written as the title of this entry.
I stared at my prescription for days and then decide to quietlly fill it myself 5 minutes before lunch time. Today is the first day i work in 2012 and its a 1-10pm call. Things got on pretty well, it was pretty busy..until i had diarrhoea and cramps in the muscles of my legs..and the nausea...i waited and waited for the migraine to kick in but unfortunately,or fortunately, it did not. i did go to casualty to check up because at that time i was shivering in cold. Nope, apart from tachycardia...nope...bp normal temp 36.2, i did forsee that i will suffer from insomnia again, so i did ask for an mc just in case, and luckily i did.
I suppose i am still healthy, physically, but am i mentally fit?Dr offed my luvox officially end of 2011 and i have to say it is a huge relief to be off a daily medication. My question is though, i am in remission now, how long before a relapse?i am already feeling early morning signs and symptoms of depression and i try to combat that by thinking positive thoughts and praying. My prayers are answered and as a 2012 New Year gift mom and dad are speaking to each other again. that is a massive burden off my chest and i am thankful
One issue solved, just a million more to go..i know i am a person that is different from others. to list down all the negative things about me i can go on and on....i am a bad tempered spoiled single child of the family who is used to getting everything the way i wanted, i am too straightforward in my words that i hurt people's feelings etc etc. Like today, i tried to help but i think i've offended certain groups of people.......is it right to help??is it wrong?i am confused...perhaps i should hold back i do realise i overstep my boundary much too often...i am after all just provisionally registered.......
But on the other hand, i realised i have positive qualities too...being straightforward means being sincere....i don't say things i don't mean. However, that has its negatives too like telling someone a gift i got for her is something i got for free but don't use brought me to being labelled as insincere and hurtful......now that hurts...just because i got it for free doesnt mean no thought goes into thinking of u when i carefully wrapped it and gave it to you.....
so u see, my attempt to be positive turned out negative too...and i have just confused myself even more....nevermind...perhaps after ratting things out here...i can finally rest in peace...goodnight world......
3/12/11 11am PS i decided to post this entire post after watching a scene in glee season 2 episode 18 where emma (who suffers from OCD) sees a psychiatrist who commented that there is a social stigma surrounding mental illness in the country, anxiety, depression, OCD, bipolar, they are hard to diagnose so people don't always appreciate that they are serious problems. I think the dialog is quite meaningful so i will type it out here
Emma: I don't know, i'm not sure if i want to sit on a couch and tell strangers all of my secrets. I don't want to start popping pills so i can turn into someone that everybody want me to be.this is how i am. this is who i am supposed to be.
Dr: your illness is not who you are supposed to be. its keeping you from who you are supposed to be. Look, you are a guidance counsellor right?so if a student came to you and said they had diabetes, would you give them insulin or would you say hey thats just the way you are supposed to be?
Emma: I....... I just feel so ashamed
Dr: Right..but you are not alone. after my daughter was born I have a severe case of post partum depression. I would look down at this beautiful baby girl like she wasnt even mine. like all the colour just came out of the world. But you know when the moment was when i started to feel just a little bit better?when i admitted that i needed some help. Thats what i am here for. Can i tell you something emma?You are going to feel better. I promise. I am going to give you some SSRI and start with a low dosage, and that will help you hold on to the serotonin that your brain naturally makes anyway. i'd like to see you in about a week
This scene is inspiring to me so i'm typing it here to remind myself that when i admitted that i needed help and seek it, i will feel better and that i shouldnt be ashamed. I should be positive that i am better now and i will be better. Today is a new day and i will make a new start, get a firmer control of my life and my emotions and hopefully i will remain to be in remission.
I have never openly admitted that i have this condition. because of the social stigma that surrounds mental illness everywhere i tried to hide from my illness. i realised this when i went to my doctor's appointment last week. i was actually afraid that my new friends will see me there in the waiting area and what they would think of me.
That was when i realised that i havent really accepted that i really have this disease. Despite writing about my condition in previous entries, i never really did delve into the illness because everytime, i give myself excuses that when i am in remission, i'm fine. i can function like a normal human being. but i am not. i do have this condition, psychiatrists (certified), psychologists, counsellors have seen me and the latest prescription i had on a handwritten HBM prescription had the penyakit column written as the title of this entry.
I stared at my prescription for days and then decide to quietlly fill it myself 5 minutes before lunch time. Today is the first day i work in 2012 and its a 1-10pm call. Things got on pretty well, it was pretty busy..until i had diarrhoea and cramps in the muscles of my legs..and the nausea...i waited and waited for the migraine to kick in but unfortunately,or fortunately, it did not. i did go to casualty to check up because at that time i was shivering in cold. Nope, apart from tachycardia...nope...bp normal temp 36.2, i did forsee that i will suffer from insomnia again, so i did ask for an mc just in case, and luckily i did.
I suppose i am still healthy, physically, but am i mentally fit?Dr offed my luvox officially end of 2011 and i have to say it is a huge relief to be off a daily medication. My question is though, i am in remission now, how long before a relapse?i am already feeling early morning signs and symptoms of depression and i try to combat that by thinking positive thoughts and praying. My prayers are answered and as a 2012 New Year gift mom and dad are speaking to each other again. that is a massive burden off my chest and i am thankful
One issue solved, just a million more to go..i know i am a person that is different from others. to list down all the negative things about me i can go on and on....i am a bad tempered spoiled single child of the family who is used to getting everything the way i wanted, i am too straightforward in my words that i hurt people's feelings etc etc. Like today, i tried to help but i think i've offended certain groups of people.......is it right to help??is it wrong?i am confused...perhaps i should hold back i do realise i overstep my boundary much too often...i am after all just provisionally registered.......
But on the other hand, i realised i have positive qualities too...being straightforward means being sincere....i don't say things i don't mean. However, that has its negatives too like telling someone a gift i got for her is something i got for free but don't use brought me to being labelled as insincere and hurtful......now that hurts...just because i got it for free doesnt mean no thought goes into thinking of u when i carefully wrapped it and gave it to you.....
so u see, my attempt to be positive turned out negative too...and i have just confused myself even more....nevermind...perhaps after ratting things out here...i can finally rest in peace...goodnight world......
3/12/11 11am PS i decided to post this entire post after watching a scene in glee season 2 episode 18 where emma (who suffers from OCD) sees a psychiatrist who commented that there is a social stigma surrounding mental illness in the country, anxiety, depression, OCD, bipolar, they are hard to diagnose so people don't always appreciate that they are serious problems. I think the dialog is quite meaningful so i will type it out here
Emma: I don't know, i'm not sure if i want to sit on a couch and tell strangers all of my secrets. I don't want to start popping pills so i can turn into someone that everybody want me to be.this is how i am. this is who i am supposed to be.
Dr: your illness is not who you are supposed to be. its keeping you from who you are supposed to be. Look, you are a guidance counsellor right?so if a student came to you and said they had diabetes, would you give them insulin or would you say hey thats just the way you are supposed to be?
Emma: I....... I just feel so ashamed
Dr: Right..but you are not alone. after my daughter was born I have a severe case of post partum depression. I would look down at this beautiful baby girl like she wasnt even mine. like all the colour just came out of the world. But you know when the moment was when i started to feel just a little bit better?when i admitted that i needed some help. Thats what i am here for. Can i tell you something emma?You are going to feel better. I promise. I am going to give you some SSRI and start with a low dosage, and that will help you hold on to the serotonin that your brain naturally makes anyway. i'd like to see you in about a week
This scene is inspiring to me so i'm typing it here to remind myself that when i admitted that i needed help and seek it, i will feel better and that i shouldnt be ashamed. I should be positive that i am better now and i will be better. Today is a new day and i will make a new start, get a firmer control of my life and my emotions and hopefully i will remain to be in remission.
Monday, January 2, 2012
New Year 2012..new beginnings?
Dear Blog,
This is my first entry for the start of year 2012.
New Year resolutions:
1. to not make resolutions
Well, its just that every year i make resolutions and fail to achieve them...so to prevent disappointment...i decided not to make any...
But then again, everyone has a list of things to look forward to in the new year...i call it....a wish list...since i didnt make one for Christmas...might as well make a few now...maybe they will come in my CNY ang pows..hehehe
1. Mom will gain some weight and fight off TB
2. I will lose some weight but not be infected
3. To get rid of migraine, insomnia, mixed anxiety disorder and depression (Dr. specialist offed my fluvoxamine!), hmm..maybe just prevent relapse if i cant get rid of them completely
4. To hurt myself less and others less by observing the three monkeys hear no evil, speak no evil, see no evil
hmm...thats the round number i guess...but wish no 3 is not going very well atm...insominia-ing at the start of the year..and....working tomorrow 1-10pm call........
Wish me luck dear blog.
This is my first entry for the start of year 2012.
New Year resolutions:
1. to not make resolutions
Well, its just that every year i make resolutions and fail to achieve them...so to prevent disappointment...i decided not to make any...
But then again, everyone has a list of things to look forward to in the new year...i call it....a wish list...since i didnt make one for Christmas...might as well make a few now...maybe they will come in my CNY ang pows..hehehe
1. Mom will gain some weight and fight off TB
2. I will lose some weight but not be infected
3. To get rid of migraine, insomnia, mixed anxiety disorder and depression (Dr. specialist offed my fluvoxamine!), hmm..maybe just prevent relapse if i cant get rid of them completely
4. To hurt myself less and others less by observing the three monkeys hear no evil, speak no evil, see no evil
hmm...thats the round number i guess...but wish no 3 is not going very well atm...insominia-ing at the start of the year..and....working tomorrow 1-10pm call........
Wish me luck dear blog.
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