Dear blog,
I have never openly admitted that i have this condition. because of the social stigma that surrounds mental illness everywhere i tried to hide from my illness. i realised this when i went to my doctor's appointment last week. i was actually afraid that my new friends will see me there in the waiting area and what they would think of me.
That was when i realised that i havent really accepted that i really have this disease. Despite writing about my condition in previous entries, i never really did delve into the illness because everytime, i give myself excuses that when i am in remission, i'm fine. i can function like a normal human being. but i am not. i do have this condition, psychiatrists (certified), psychologists, counsellors have seen me and the latest prescription i had on a handwritten HBM prescription had the penyakit column written as the title of this entry.
I stared at my prescription for days and then decide to quietlly fill it myself 5 minutes before lunch time. Today is the first day i work in 2012 and its a 1-10pm call. Things got on pretty well, it was pretty busy..until i had diarrhoea and cramps in the muscles of my legs..and the nausea...i waited and waited for the migraine to kick in but unfortunately,or fortunately, it did not. i did go to casualty to check up because at that time i was shivering in cold. Nope, apart from tachycardia...nope...bp normal temp 36.2, i did forsee that i will suffer from insomnia again, so i did ask for an mc just in case, and luckily i did.
I suppose i am still healthy, physically, but am i mentally fit?Dr offed my luvox officially end of 2011 and i have to say it is a huge relief to be off a daily medication. My question is though, i am in remission now, how long before a relapse?i am already feeling early morning signs and symptoms of depression and i try to combat that by thinking positive thoughts and praying. My prayers are answered and as a 2012 New Year gift mom and dad are speaking to each other again. that is a massive burden off my chest and i am thankful
One issue solved, just a million more to go..i know i am a person that is different from others. to list down all the negative things about me i can go on and on....i am a bad tempered spoiled single child of the family who is used to getting everything the way i wanted, i am too straightforward in my words that i hurt people's feelings etc etc. Like today, i tried to help but i think i've offended certain groups of people.......is it right to help??is it wrong?i am confused...perhaps i should hold back i do realise i overstep my boundary much too often...i am after all just provisionally registered.......
But on the other hand, i realised i have positive qualities too...being straightforward means being sincere....i don't say things i don't mean. However, that has its negatives too like telling someone a gift i got for her is something i got for free but don't use brought me to being labelled as insincere and hurtful......now that hurts...just because i got it for free doesnt mean no thought goes into thinking of u when i carefully wrapped it and gave it to you.....
so u see, my attempt to be positive turned out negative too...and i have just confused myself even more....nevermind...perhaps after ratting things out here...i can finally rest in peace...goodnight world......
3/12/11 11am PS i decided to post this entire post after watching a scene in glee season 2 episode 18 where emma (who suffers from OCD) sees a psychiatrist who commented that there is a social stigma surrounding mental illness in the country, anxiety, depression, OCD, bipolar, they are hard to diagnose so people don't always appreciate that they are serious problems. I think the dialog is quite meaningful so i will type it out here
Emma: I don't know, i'm not sure if i want to sit on a couch and tell strangers all of my secrets. I don't want to start popping pills so i can turn into someone that everybody want me to be.this is how i am. this is who i am supposed to be.
Dr: your illness is not who you are supposed to be. its keeping you from who you are supposed to be. Look, you are a guidance counsellor right?so if a student came to you and said they had diabetes, would you give them insulin or would you say hey thats just the way you are supposed to be?
Emma: I....... I just feel so ashamed
Dr: Right..but you are not alone. after my daughter was born I have a severe case of post partum depression. I would look down at this beautiful baby girl like she wasnt even mine. like all the colour just came out of the world. But you know when the moment was when i started to feel just a little bit better?when i admitted that i needed some help. Thats what i am here for. Can i tell you something emma?You are going to feel better. I promise. I am going to give you some SSRI and start with a low dosage, and that will help you hold on to the serotonin that your brain naturally makes anyway. i'd like to see you in about a week
This scene is inspiring to me so i'm typing it here to remind myself that when i admitted that i needed help and seek it, i will feel better and that i shouldnt be ashamed. I should be positive that i am better now and i will be better. Today is a new day and i will make a new start, get a firmer control of my life and my emotions and hopefully i will remain to be in remission.
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