2AM on a Thursday night

Dear blog,

it is the same feeling of being really really tired but just couldnt fall asleep...........yawn.........................this is pure torture........

Relaxation music...that might help...........back to december...how is that for soothing music?

I'm so glad you made time to see me.
How's life? Tell me how's your family.
I haven't seen them in a while.
You've been good, busier than ever,
We small talk, work and the weather,
Your guard is up and I know why.
Because the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind.
You gave me roses and I left them there to die.

So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying, "I'm sorry for that night,"
And I go back to December all the time.
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you.
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right.
I go back to December all the time.

These days I haven't been sleeping,
Staying up, playing back myself leavin'.
When your birthday passed and I didn't call.
And I think about summer, all the beautiful times,
I watched you laughing from the passenger side.
Realized that I loved you in the fall.

And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was "Goodbye".

So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying, "I'm sorry for that night."
And I go back to December all the time.
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time.

I miss your tanned skin, your sweet smile,
So good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night --
The first time you ever saw me cry.

Maybe this is wishful thinking,
Probably mindless dreaming,
But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right.

I'd go back in time and change it but I can't.
So if the chain is on your door I understand.

But this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying, "I'm sorry for that night."
And I go back to December...
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,
Wishing I'd realize what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right.
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind

I go back to December all the time.
All the time.

Memories came back to me.................good ones and bad ones. lately a colleague sighed and said "sometimes i feel so lonely.....unlike the rest of you...having your husband/boyfriend to go with you if you want to go somewhere for a holiday" i have to admit..sometimes i feel that way too.............when i reflect on my past.......i realise that once i was also part of this group of people that my colleague envied......i have loved somebody and he loved me back............but all i gave him was goodbye. felt a bit guilty.........but life goes on.......i'm not taylor swift......i have no intention of swallowing my pride and changing my mind.......a decision good or bad was made and even if i was to remain single for the rest of my life...SO WHAT??its better than being with a wrong person...........

i have a good future.........i am going to be a good pharmacist.........i have friends.......some i can even call family............relationships, tears, love, hurt........i don't need them..........which reminds me of a song Stay the same by Joey McIntyre.....that would be my short term goal for now...........

Unanswered questions

Dear blog,

Why do i ask questions that i dont want to hear answers about?why do i constantly hurt myself by doing things that i know will eventually come back and hurt me?why do i let my emotions cloud my better judgement?why why why?

Sometimes i wish that i could handle myself better in these kind of situations..........i am 25 years old this year.......i have lived for 25 years as a human...how could i not know that a brick wall is made of bricks and cements and keep consciously and subconsciously knocking my head on it?

Perhaps my counselor would say thats self sabotaj and that i am punishing myself...i am punishing myself because i believe that someone like me does not deserve to be loved, does not deserve to be close to someone, does not believe that the girl in the mirror is beautiful....deep within regardless of physical appearance...

Maybe i just need someone to look at me and say the words "you are beautiful". in my whole life of 25 years i have only heard those 3 words once....they were not from a boyfriend (that would be bias), those words were uttered by a friend on my 20th birthday. I long to hear these 3 words again.......

To someone i hate with all my heart

I hate the way you talk to me
And the way you cut your hair
I hate the way you drive my car
I hate it when you stare


I hate your big dumb combat boots
And the way you read my mind
I hate you so much that it makes me sick
It even makes me ryhme


I hate the way you're always right
I hate it when you lie
I hate it when you make me laugh
Even worse when you make me cry


I hate the way you're not around
And the fact that you didn't call
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you
Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.