Dear blog,
i just got home from a hospital "on-call" duty. so tired but still insomnia-ing. its a great experience though...to see the workplace after hours and get to know nurses well............and i start to understand what an on-call MO or houseman feel like
today is the first time i changed a diaper...unfortunately, it was an adult diaper and one with pretty bad nappy rash. at this point the pharmacist in me says...slap on some zinc cream...but then again, i couldnt find any after rumaging arnd OPD in dark on a sun night with creepy sounds looming in the distance so i grabbed a tube of cetomacrogol aq cream instead and slapped those on the affected ahem..area....hopefully it wasnt vaginal thrush or anything but i wasnt too keen to look to closely. anyway...i am not a doctor!!goodness when you work in ward you cannot imagine how many time i have to say that to patients and their families........getting a bit..............grrrrrrrrrr
speaking of firsts, today is aso the first time i observed a cpr...unfortunately, after 45 mins, the pt was still asystole. as i watched the dr and nurses perform the cpr until her rib cage snaps, until they got so tired, they took turns at the mechanical ventilation and compression....i suppose its what they have to do so so that when the family comes, they can say they did everything they could. and this particular procedure i witnessed, i truly believed that they really did everything they could. RIP poor pt, may you be happier and less painful where you are...........i do wonder though...thus it hurt when the rib cage snapped?makes me wonder if one shld sign a DNR if they know there is poor prognosis.....less suffering for both the pt and the health professional
that was in the afternoon, back to my night duty, i was sitting there...didnt have anything to do....so i start cp2-ing.......then, the on-call MO came by and said........"why are you hardworking?", i said....."i have to otherwise my boss will probably murder me"....dr said "really, cant believe she so garang one" i said..."you don't know her if u say like that" (sorry boss, no offense if u happen to read this)
after that, i decided to do sth unethical...i said "dr, can i involve u in sth unethical?i really wanna go home and sleep tonight and i cant sleep unless granny sleeps so can u pls endorse some valium prn?" lo behold, he directly gave verbal order to s/n in charge and viola......tab alpra 0.5mg given stat and it works like magic...agitated pt became peacefully sleeping pt and here i am...home sweet home...bed sweet bed..........
yawn, tml morn shift then afternoon taking mom to chest in pg. alr hafalled the national a/b guideline so that i can fire questions at the chest specialist........hope that works..............
wish me luck my dearest blog
P.s i realised that lately, many people have been reading u dear blog...mayb we shld make a rule that anyone who reads must comment otherwise i will never know who is actually sharing my thoughts and experiences.....and disclaimer...whatever i share here is fiction and is no references to anyone dead or alive, any similarites are just coincidence so pls, if u don't like it don't read it, if you read it, pls, even if u don't like it, don sue me for it.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Crab in a steamer
Dear Blog,
after that emotional post yesterday, i thought i could get some rest and move one with my life, hit some cp2 targets, do my case report and power point presentation. gosh, was i ever this wrong?firstly, i went to this parlour for my weekly beauty tx, which consists of one procedure named "STEAM BATH". How did it feel?exactly like a crab in a steamer. i was left in this confined space (the size of your average public toilet cubicle) for almost 45 minutes and there is steam blowing from all directions. i found it so hard to breath that i started to feel SOB and palpitations. i couldnt see a thing except steam and i started sweating profusely. the worst was feeling the steam hit my body and condense into droplet of hot water that trickle down everywhere from your shoulder all the way down to you arms, abdomen, thighs and feet. after 15 minutes, i really began to understand how crabs feel when they are steamed alive. for those of you who love to eat crabs, i really recommend this "beauty treatment". The SOB was getting worse and i felt my heart beating really really fast and i thought to myself, why should i go through all this just to lose a few pounds?i mean, if you are going to find someone who loves you for how you look like, isnt that just a little too superficial?i was about to give up and open that door to walk out of hellbath when visions of people, especially my loved ones, laughing at me flashed through my head like a horror movie. I decided to sit through it. after 45 minutes, feeling totally cooked and ready to be plated up and eaten, i walked out of the steam bath (alive, surprisingly) and my beautician handed me a pack of detox drink which had these ingredients
prune powder, dextrose, sorbitol, guarana powder, maltodextrin, psyllium husk, oat powder, wheat dextrin, orange powder and aluminium silicate
i was jst diagnosed with AGE two days ago, it sounded too suicidal for me to drink that so i just kept it. I bit my tongue and stopped myself from saying "hello, i'm trying to lose weight, not die". after all that, i weighed myself, lost 300g. i suspect its 300g of sweat, no fat. sighs. will i ever be thin, pretty and atrractive?and even if i am, will anyone care?
mom still refused to talk to me. then the bombshell, 3 am a call from granny's carer. c/o Cough, SOB. i said "why you call me i am not a doctor..send to hospital!" okay, i admit i sound cruel...but hey...i have U/L insomnia it was really difficult for me to fall asleep. and to be waken up in the middle of the night for something you cant really help....is distressing....they took her to a clinic...doc say the same thing, bring to hospital
so this whole morning i spent in HBM. A/E helping with history, then chest xray, the go all the way to makmal pathologi to take the results, and finally, when admit to w10 i don't know if i should be relieved or worried. diagnosis, lethargy for investigation. i didnt even know got such diagnosis....anyway, i leave it up to her MO now, if no U/L condition hopefully can discharge as there is a high probability that there will be another hospital admission tomorrow afternoon of another family member...
there is only so much a girl can take before she suffers from a nervous breakdown. i'm not asking for much, just please, a little bit of moral support anyone?friends?colleagues?family?i need you now...pls, anything....just even say gambathe is enough to keep me going.....
today is supposed to be the penang bridge international marathon, which i am sure 20.11.11 is a memorable day for most...it is certainly memorable for me but not in a good way...while i was dressing granny up in the xray room or helping her in A/E i lost one side of my diamond earring. bad luck sign? need to ask the astrologers and "tukang tilik nasib".
i end this entry reaching out my hands with a cry for help, care and support. any volunteers?
Love,
Penny
after that emotional post yesterday, i thought i could get some rest and move one with my life, hit some cp2 targets, do my case report and power point presentation. gosh, was i ever this wrong?firstly, i went to this parlour for my weekly beauty tx, which consists of one procedure named "STEAM BATH". How did it feel?exactly like a crab in a steamer. i was left in this confined space (the size of your average public toilet cubicle) for almost 45 minutes and there is steam blowing from all directions. i found it so hard to breath that i started to feel SOB and palpitations. i couldnt see a thing except steam and i started sweating profusely. the worst was feeling the steam hit my body and condense into droplet of hot water that trickle down everywhere from your shoulder all the way down to you arms, abdomen, thighs and feet. after 15 minutes, i really began to understand how crabs feel when they are steamed alive. for those of you who love to eat crabs, i really recommend this "beauty treatment". The SOB was getting worse and i felt my heart beating really really fast and i thought to myself, why should i go through all this just to lose a few pounds?i mean, if you are going to find someone who loves you for how you look like, isnt that just a little too superficial?i was about to give up and open that door to walk out of hellbath when visions of people, especially my loved ones, laughing at me flashed through my head like a horror movie. I decided to sit through it. after 45 minutes, feeling totally cooked and ready to be plated up and eaten, i walked out of the steam bath (alive, surprisingly) and my beautician handed me a pack of detox drink which had these ingredients
prune powder, dextrose, sorbitol, guarana powder, maltodextrin, psyllium husk, oat powder, wheat dextrin, orange powder and aluminium silicate
i was jst diagnosed with AGE two days ago, it sounded too suicidal for me to drink that so i just kept it. I bit my tongue and stopped myself from saying "hello, i'm trying to lose weight, not die". after all that, i weighed myself, lost 300g. i suspect its 300g of sweat, no fat. sighs. will i ever be thin, pretty and atrractive?and even if i am, will anyone care?
mom still refused to talk to me. then the bombshell, 3 am a call from granny's carer. c/o Cough, SOB. i said "why you call me i am not a doctor..send to hospital!" okay, i admit i sound cruel...but hey...i have U/L insomnia it was really difficult for me to fall asleep. and to be waken up in the middle of the night for something you cant really help....is distressing....they took her to a clinic...doc say the same thing, bring to hospital
so this whole morning i spent in HBM. A/E helping with history, then chest xray, the go all the way to makmal pathologi to take the results, and finally, when admit to w10 i don't know if i should be relieved or worried. diagnosis, lethargy for investigation. i didnt even know got such diagnosis....anyway, i leave it up to her MO now, if no U/L condition hopefully can discharge as there is a high probability that there will be another hospital admission tomorrow afternoon of another family member...
there is only so much a girl can take before she suffers from a nervous breakdown. i'm not asking for much, just please, a little bit of moral support anyone?friends?colleagues?family?i need you now...pls, anything....just even say gambathe is enough to keep me going.....
today is supposed to be the penang bridge international marathon, which i am sure 20.11.11 is a memorable day for most...it is certainly memorable for me but not in a good way...while i was dressing granny up in the xray room or helping her in A/E i lost one side of my diamond earring. bad luck sign? need to ask the astrologers and "tukang tilik nasib".
i end this entry reaching out my hands with a cry for help, care and support. any volunteers?
Love,
Penny
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Life in hospital
Dear Blog
Its saturday morning and i am in hospital. Apart from sx such as severe abdominal pain, dark brown urine and black tarry stools..there's absolutely nothing wrong me. so why am i in hospital?obviously, i wasnt there for me, mother had a very bad chest infection that wouldnt resolve for months
its times like this when i realise, even as health professionals, how tied our hands are........especially when our loved ones are sick........sometimes, i think, even though my initial reason for a dream to become a pharmacist is so that i could help people, esp my loved ones when they are sick, its can be very hard to be a health care professional to watch your love ones in pain and not able to do a single thing about it besides sitting next to them and hold their hands. Thats exactly how i feel now, except, i couldnt even do that because she is blaming me for her illness, subsequently pushing me away.
sometimes i wonder if life is worth living when everyday you suffer from pain. and not just physical pain, it includes this emotional toture that no one in this world loves or cares for you, that one day, you are going to die alone. i'm sure many people feel this way in the world, i met a few every other day when i do my rounds, old ladies who are sick and no one even cares to visit or even take them home. people in old folks home who yearn everyday for their children or grandchildren to come visit.....children in orphranages that are abandoned by their parents, sick people who are left to die just because they couldnt afford to pay their medical bills.
when i became a health care professional, i imagined a perfect world where everyone is treated equally, where everyone receives equal treatment despite the colour of their skin or the amount of money they have in their wallets. such worlds don't exist. and if you think it does, you are just being naive and stupid. Naive and stupid....thats what i am now..............
life is so bad that sometimes i feel like giving up...........but then, there are the bright spots in life that you don't want to miss...like not going to work one day and when you do the next, a patient asks "where were you?i waited for you to come and watch me use my inhaler yesterday but you didnt come?" or when you realise that even if it is just a little bit, what you do does make a difference in people's lives. On friday, i really felt that when i did a counselling about the importance of using MDI Budesonide on a daily basis for long term management of asthma. My pregnant patient (previously non-compliant) looked at me and said...."i didnt know it is important to use the brown inhaler. but now i know so i will use it everyday"
so my dearest blog...i am really confused...do i continue to have hope in life or don't i?past memories are painful, especially if you suffer from insomnia, they haunt you and they remind you of the mistakes that you have made or they are sometimes premonition to the mistakes that you are about to make. I promised myself that after i am hurt so much by someone i will never fall in love or believe in love again but sometimes it is true that you cannot help who you fall for, and when love comes, it comes and nothing can stop it. am i not protecting myself enough?should i build a thicker wall around me?i think the answer is yes. and it is especially true that when you know that getting involved with someone could mean big trouble.
now comes the time when i stop writting this blog and go to the hospital for work.................thank you dear blog, for listening to my woes. i will be visiting u soon again.
love
Pei Jing
Its saturday morning and i am in hospital. Apart from sx such as severe abdominal pain, dark brown urine and black tarry stools..there's absolutely nothing wrong me. so why am i in hospital?obviously, i wasnt there for me, mother had a very bad chest infection that wouldnt resolve for months
its times like this when i realise, even as health professionals, how tied our hands are........especially when our loved ones are sick........sometimes, i think, even though my initial reason for a dream to become a pharmacist is so that i could help people, esp my loved ones when they are sick, its can be very hard to be a health care professional to watch your love ones in pain and not able to do a single thing about it besides sitting next to them and hold their hands. Thats exactly how i feel now, except, i couldnt even do that because she is blaming me for her illness, subsequently pushing me away.
sometimes i wonder if life is worth living when everyday you suffer from pain. and not just physical pain, it includes this emotional toture that no one in this world loves or cares for you, that one day, you are going to die alone. i'm sure many people feel this way in the world, i met a few every other day when i do my rounds, old ladies who are sick and no one even cares to visit or even take them home. people in old folks home who yearn everyday for their children or grandchildren to come visit.....children in orphranages that are abandoned by their parents, sick people who are left to die just because they couldnt afford to pay their medical bills.
when i became a health care professional, i imagined a perfect world where everyone is treated equally, where everyone receives equal treatment despite the colour of their skin or the amount of money they have in their wallets. such worlds don't exist. and if you think it does, you are just being naive and stupid. Naive and stupid....thats what i am now..............
life is so bad that sometimes i feel like giving up...........but then, there are the bright spots in life that you don't want to miss...like not going to work one day and when you do the next, a patient asks "where were you?i waited for you to come and watch me use my inhaler yesterday but you didnt come?" or when you realise that even if it is just a little bit, what you do does make a difference in people's lives. On friday, i really felt that when i did a counselling about the importance of using MDI Budesonide on a daily basis for long term management of asthma. My pregnant patient (previously non-compliant) looked at me and said...."i didnt know it is important to use the brown inhaler. but now i know so i will use it everyday"
so my dearest blog...i am really confused...do i continue to have hope in life or don't i?past memories are painful, especially if you suffer from insomnia, they haunt you and they remind you of the mistakes that you have made or they are sometimes premonition to the mistakes that you are about to make. I promised myself that after i am hurt so much by someone i will never fall in love or believe in love again but sometimes it is true that you cannot help who you fall for, and when love comes, it comes and nothing can stop it. am i not protecting myself enough?should i build a thicker wall around me?i think the answer is yes. and it is especially true that when you know that getting involved with someone could mean big trouble.
now comes the time when i stop writting this blog and go to the hospital for work.................thank you dear blog, for listening to my woes. i will be visiting u soon again.
love
Pei Jing
Thursday, November 17, 2011
when you are gone
"When You're Gone"
I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side
When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now
[Chorus]
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you
I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do
When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now
[Chorus]
We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were, yeah
All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah
[Chorus]
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side
When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now
[Chorus]
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you
I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do
When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now
[Chorus]
We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were, yeah
All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah
[Chorus]
PS. Lets sing this song again soon.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
clinical blues
Dearest blog,
i havent visited a while because i've been so busy...i've had two exciting trips..one to sibu and another to kl which are fantastic which i meant to tell you all about but i've just been so so so busy and stressed out.
Today is the start of my second week in the block of clinical ward pharmacy attachment in HBM. Last week was really hectic and i am starting to feel the pressure because i could not achieve all of my targets. But somehow, deep down in me...i can see a truly excited budding clinical pharmacist in my future career. I love ward rounds, doing history taking, chatting to patients and counselling them on medications, finding mistakes that MO's made and correcting them *wink*(no offense pls everyone makes mistakes right?) and the best part of being a clinical pharmacist is being able to truly do an intervention that could possibly change a person's life.
tomorrow, i will try my best to help one old lady, a 66 year old currently on a high dose of insulin therapy. her total dose of insulatard and actrapid is 114 units per day and she weighs about 60kg...thats is a pretty big dose for a pretty small lady...the part that made me so enthusiatic to help her is the fact that she looked at me and winced when i told her that her morning dose of insulin, which is 30 units of actrapid and 38 units of insulatard dose not fit into one syringe, (max only 50 units a needle) means she need to poke herself twice AM and once PM
it makes me wanna cry when she winced, looked at me and said "sakit" and pouted. so i did what i could...i looked up CPG from AMM and hopefully i will be able to convince my MO to do something about her dosing. First point, she is on metformin 500mg bd.....why cant increase to 1g bd?she's not in renal failure or CCF, nor does she have any conditions that cause lactic acid accumulation. is there an indication to increase her insulin dose to so high when her oral agents are not maximised?second point, a 66 year old lady, has to mix up insulatard and actrapid and self inject with a very fine needle that due to her poor vision, couldnt see properly the units. isnt this an indication for perhaps a pre-mixed insulin such as humulin 30/70 and wouldnt it be better for her to use a humapen instead of drawing and mixing things in a fine needle syringe?
hopefully i have strong points...i need expert opinion on this....and God, pls let me be able to help this patient tomorrow.
my dearest blog...i shall write to you again when i can. thank you for listening to me.
i havent visited a while because i've been so busy...i've had two exciting trips..one to sibu and another to kl which are fantastic which i meant to tell you all about but i've just been so so so busy and stressed out.
Today is the start of my second week in the block of clinical ward pharmacy attachment in HBM. Last week was really hectic and i am starting to feel the pressure because i could not achieve all of my targets. But somehow, deep down in me...i can see a truly excited budding clinical pharmacist in my future career. I love ward rounds, doing history taking, chatting to patients and counselling them on medications, finding mistakes that MO's made and correcting them *wink*(no offense pls everyone makes mistakes right?) and the best part of being a clinical pharmacist is being able to truly do an intervention that could possibly change a person's life.
tomorrow, i will try my best to help one old lady, a 66 year old currently on a high dose of insulin therapy. her total dose of insulatard and actrapid is 114 units per day and she weighs about 60kg...thats is a pretty big dose for a pretty small lady...the part that made me so enthusiatic to help her is the fact that she looked at me and winced when i told her that her morning dose of insulin, which is 30 units of actrapid and 38 units of insulatard dose not fit into one syringe, (max only 50 units a needle) means she need to poke herself twice AM and once PM
it makes me wanna cry when she winced, looked at me and said "sakit" and pouted. so i did what i could...i looked up CPG from AMM and hopefully i will be able to convince my MO to do something about her dosing. First point, she is on metformin 500mg bd.....why cant increase to 1g bd?she's not in renal failure or CCF, nor does she have any conditions that cause lactic acid accumulation. is there an indication to increase her insulin dose to so high when her oral agents are not maximised?second point, a 66 year old lady, has to mix up insulatard and actrapid and self inject with a very fine needle that due to her poor vision, couldnt see properly the units. isnt this an indication for perhaps a pre-mixed insulin such as humulin 30/70 and wouldnt it be better for her to use a humapen instead of drawing and mixing things in a fine needle syringe?
hopefully i have strong points...i need expert opinion on this....and God, pls let me be able to help this patient tomorrow.
my dearest blog...i shall write to you again when i can. thank you for listening to me.
Monday, November 14, 2011
为什么?
为什么这个世界上,要找到真爱有这么多的障碍?
为什么, 当你找到真正的爱情, 你将失去它?
为什么, 在阳光下,人,会抱怨热, 在雨中, 人, 怕淹死?
为什么, 人, 永远无法满足?
..........有没有人可以回答我的问题？
为什么, 当你找到真正的爱情, 你将失去它?
为什么, 在阳光下,人,会抱怨热, 在雨中, 人, 怕淹死?
为什么, 人, 永远无法满足?
..........有没有人可以回答我的问题？
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