Life in hospital

Dear Blog

Its saturday morning and i am in hospital. Apart from sx such as severe abdominal pain, dark brown urine and black tarry stools..there's absolutely nothing wrong me. so why am i in hospital?obviously, i wasnt there for me, mother had a very bad chest infection that wouldnt resolve for months

its times like this when i realise, even as health professionals, how tied our hands are........especially when our loved ones are sick........sometimes, i think, even though my initial reason for a dream to become a pharmacist is so that i could help people, esp my loved ones when they are sick, its can be very hard to be a health care professional to watch your love ones in pain and not able to do a single thing about it besides sitting next to them and hold their hands. Thats exactly how i feel now, except, i couldnt even do that because she is blaming me for her illness, subsequently pushing me away.

sometimes i wonder if life is worth living when everyday you suffer from pain. and not just physical pain, it includes this emotional toture that no one in this world loves or cares for you, that one day, you are going to die alone. i'm sure many people feel this way in the world, i met a few every other day when i do my rounds, old ladies who are sick and no one even cares to visit or even take them home. people in old folks home who yearn everyday for their children or grandchildren to come visit.....children in orphranages that are abandoned by their parents, sick people who are left to die just because they couldnt afford to pay their medical bills.

when i became a health care professional, i imagined a perfect world where everyone is treated equally, where everyone receives equal treatment despite the colour of their skin or the amount of money they have in their wallets. such worlds don't exist. and if you think it does, you are just being naive and stupid. Naive and stupid....thats what i am now..............

life is so bad that sometimes i feel like giving up...........but then, there are the bright spots in life that you don't want to miss...like not going to work one day and when you do the next, a patient asks "where were you?i waited for you to come and watch me use my inhaler yesterday but you didnt come?" or when you realise that even if it is just a little bit, what you do does make a difference in people's lives. On friday, i really felt that when i did a counselling about the importance of using MDI Budesonide on a daily basis for long term management of asthma. My pregnant patient (previously non-compliant) looked at me and said...."i didnt know it is important to use the brown inhaler. but now i know so i will use it everyday"

so my dearest blog...i am really confused...do i continue to have hope in life or don't i?past memories are painful, especially if you suffer from insomnia, they haunt you and they remind you of the mistakes that you have made or they are sometimes premonition to the mistakes that you are about to make. I promised myself that after i am hurt so much by someone i will never fall in love or believe in love again but sometimes it is true that you cannot help who you fall for, and when love comes, it comes and nothing can stop it. am i not protecting myself enough?should i build a thicker wall around me?i think the answer is yes. and it is especially true that when you know that getting involved with someone could mean big trouble.

now comes the time when i stop writting this blog and go to the hospital for work.................thank you dear blog, for listening to my woes. i will be visiting u soon again.

love
Pei Jing