morning prayer and a glass of water

One good way to combat early morning symptoms of anxiety is to sincerely read out words that make u feel better...or so i found out.........a few reassuring words, call it a prayer or maybe just a routine to be done everyday...filled with good wishes, words that proclaim good things will happen to start the day could work wonders in lifting mood and hopefully, for the rest of the day, it does stay.........

Then there is a glass of water, not to be drank but to be put on the altar..a glass of water that symbolizes plenty...while it is half full (not half empty) it is also a glass of clear fluid, symbolizing a clear and calm mind to last for the rest of the day. as i filled the glass with water, i realised that while the glass is being filled, water from the tap contains air bubbles, and that for several seconds after the tap is closed, these air bubbles remain. It is like our minds, the little bubbly things that go through our head...the wandering thoughts....but i realised, once u set the glass down, after a while, the bubbles settle, and the water is clear again. Is this probably similar to the mind?perhaps thats how people who meditate attain the sort of peace we could see written on their faces.

Well, its a beautiful day today, i do my part as a filial daughter to bring mother to hospital, and when i come back i hope that i will have the strength and concentration to finish my pending work so that i could at least have a break during the xmas and new year period...

Wish me luck

Reminising uni life

Dearest blog,

i am having insomnia again and tonight, i opt not to take any benzo...i try to cure this terrible debilitating disorder by typing out all the worries and emotions i have on my mind....i hope this works...

while i was trying to sleep, i couldnt fall asleep because i kept thinking of stuff i shouldnt be thinking before going to bed...like planning the next day or feeling guilty over things i did not manage to accomplish the previous day.............or perhaps...feeling guilty of all the wrong things, mistakes or just pure evil things that i did in the past day..........

i know that i wouldnt be able to sleep...and i was sorely tempted to pick up my phone to make a call.........and then i realise, it would mean another mistake to pick up that phone........because..the person i want to call most likely do not want to hear from me....at least...not at this time of the night when we all have work the next morning............gosh..............i miss those days when i could just walk next door and talk to you guys.............yes.........lisuan, chelfi, chiet yien...........i am talking about u girls..........i don't know why...is it a failure on my part?or am i just a horrible person?that after 1 year from my graduation (eric reminded us on sat) i still havent found anyone that when i really need to talk....i can just pick up my phone and call them....except u guys...........which means...........u guys are still my BFFs............

unfortunately...i have to be considerate la.........i mean...its almost midnight d.......we all got work tomorrow, we are in the same line of work and u guys being in bigz  hospitals, i know have more stress and more work then me...........life has been good to me..........i was sent to a small district hospital that is close to home...i wouldnt have survived otherwise......

But the thing is..........right now...i really need u guys....remember my first year in UQ?right before our phrm1010 assignment was due i was like....gone totally mad?i remember u guys being there for me......ls and cy mostly cuz cfc was a stress case at the time....u guys held my hand through the terrible time....the second year...exam time...similar thing....and you guys were there for me............esp cy....i know....i make u sleep less a lot and stressed up a lot but my first two year in UQ.....i will not survive without u...suddenly i think back during first year we practice our anatomy essays in 72 warren st...at the living room....and i will forever remember that when i was in one of my depressive episodes, and i asked up stupid questions like...am i a horrible person...i will always remember ur classic answer "no la, i think you just have an overdeveloped lacrimal gland"

Then, come third and fourth year...hey...i look back and i see improvement in myself....i no longer need u guys to hold my hand so much anymore...those  u guys were still there for me..........

as i look back in my life...i have to accept that i have depression, and this took me a very long time to really accept this......and i took me a long time to accept that i have relapsed and i will continue to relapse although a lot of times i am in remission....friends...at times like this i cant do anything but reach out my hand to you and hope that you would at least give me a grip for support...because with this illness...i never know when i will relapse...it is tiring...everytime i have a major change in my life...it comes back to haunt me and i need to go back on SSRIs....i really wan to rid myself of this but i don't know how................

While i was lying in bed tonight..i think back a lot of things...and to stop myself from disturbing u guys...i decided to stay far far away from my phone and look back on random pictures we took but i never did publish on fb.......i look back and i remember so much ..............I MISS YOU GUYS!!!

Besides wanting to say that to you guys...i also want to apologize...from the bottom of my heart...for every wrong thing i did to u guys...for every single time i yelled or raised my voice at you guys ( i know it is countless of times) and for everytime i acted like a spoiled selfish brat and made things difficult for u guys either at personal or uni events............i am truly remorseful and i hope you guys will forgive me and we will always be BFFs

I applied leave from the 25th to 27th Jan 2011...i hope to see u guys in penang...i know...u all will be busy with CNY...but will u consider coming down for the weekend at least??i bought a groupon deal for an apartment so we'll have a place to put up............

finally i just want to say I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH!!see the pics i've just posted on fb

http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10151041126160790.775605.503855789&type=1&l=3697d45278

To end my entry..goodnight dear blog...thank you for listening to my woes

space occupying lesion

First of all, i am supposed to be on mc today but i woke up with epistaxis............annoying............took me half an hour to stop it...tried stupid traditional methods like sticking a spoon done my spine.............don even remember where that came from.......

anyway..i stopped it...so i decided..since i am up early..i might as well get some work done and go to the bank.....then i realise........gosh.....half of my cp1 is missing...oh no..........then i remember passing them over to boss...........haha...lucky its on her table..........

settled some things at the bank.......and then i realise................oopss.....spent too much money on credit card bills last month.........and i bet this month's bill going to be increased too........cuz..........its Christmas!!!xmas shopping time..........i love giving out gifts during xmas and pretending to be mrs claus.................in Aus, i always wanted to wear one of the mrs.claus bikini's..hehehe

well, got to hbm arnd lunch time.......then...........i had another episode of migraine attack.........gosh...........at first.........it only occured once a month.......now i seem to get them at least once a week............the worst part is the assoc nausea and vomitting............everyone thinks i have a positive UPT............its positively annoying......

guess i cant ignore my problem.............made an apptment with MOPD next year...hope to get some answers............and i hope its nothing to do with space occupying lesions as suggested by my pal.........Dr. Khor...hehehe..i like calling u that............

i wanted to go to record office to clerk some case but i thought better of it and went home for a nap.......viola........after nap...no more unilateral throbbing of the head..........woohoo............so i went out to pasar malam.....something i havent done for a very long time............

food is good...life is good...i end this blog entry hoping that what is happening to me isnt malignant....even if it is...all i hope for is another chance to find true love before i leave this world.........

Hospital life part 4: post clinical blues

I am finally home after a two day hospital stay. i feel quite emotionally drained...esp after not sleeping properly two nights in a row..........

Supposedly, this weekend i was supposed to finish up work that i did not manage to complete during my clinical attachment, but i was staying in hospital...so i didnt really manage to do anything (work-wise). But i guess i am glad that i was able to take care of mother, being the filial daughter i have always wanted to be.

However, i couldnt help to think over all the things that have happened for the past month. i've learned so much from my clinical attachment...thanks to great preceptors.....and also, great staff at the wards....of course...the most important ingredient in my learning..the patients......i have learnt to see from their eyes and to step in their shoes.......i am really grateful for all that.

On saturday for example, i was able to convince a non-compliant epileptic patient to be compliant. By chatting with him i found out that he has an 8 year old son, and i simply just used the fact in my counselling to reinforce the importance of compliance to medications, and that his son needs a healthy father and that having a seizure might scare his son. He subsequently promised to take his tablets and to follow the next TCA as given to him. We will be doing another TDM level in 2 weeks, and i hope that i would be able to see improvement in him.

The most happy part of my clinical attachement however, is getting to know staff at the wards...nurses, had to be the most patient people in the world.........not just in dealing with patients but also....ahem...dealing with.....urm...don't know if i should write this...maybe i shouldnt......anyway...i've learn to love nurses.....and appreciate them for the job they do.

The other happy part is getting to know great doctors, our specialists Dr Goh, Dr. Ku, Dr. Kong and the medical MOs...they really are nice people...i remember how ridiculous i was at the beginning of my PRP. i was actually AFRAID of doctors..........hmm..........now that i think back i really feel stupid....

There is one particular person i that truly appreciate, though we don't get along too well, i do appreciate everything you have taught me. if u happen to read this, thanks, you should know who you are. i hope you are not too mad at me....

I am feeling mixed emotions at the moment, i didnt achieve 100% of my targets but i am thankful that celine pronounced i have COMPLETED my clinical attachment..which means i do NOT need to extend. and i am also truly thankful to celine, my dear boss, for being so patient with me. a lot of things have happened with my family this few weeks and i know you have made allowances to the non-achievance of my targets. Thank you again. I wish i had time to buy u a little something but really tied up with mom issues...perhaps for christmas?

Now here i am, trying my best to do some work before sleeping and starting a new day tomorrow, back at OPD........wish me luck dearest blog...........

Hospital life part 3: horrible day at work

Dear blog,

right after i got home from work..i decided to pour my heart and soul out to you. today was a horrible day...to begin with...........i woke myself up early trying to get some work done but end up not really getting any work done despite punching in to work at 6.30am in the morning.

Then, when i tried my best to do counselling MDI to a patient....he uses it the way we girls spray perfume on ourselves despite me demonstrating to him how to do it 3 times...and then...when i try to discuss the medical officer in charge, i was ignored. it was expected. i am just a PRP. and he is busy..but he is missing the point that we are health professionals all working together for the health and well being of our patients. it is never a one-man or one-woman show in a healthcare. unfortunately, in this world, some people are easy to work with while others..................and btw pls, being busy is not a license to be rude to others and it is certainly not a license to hurt other people's feelings.

i always thought that despite being colleagues, deep down, we can all be friends...but apparently...not everyone thinks the same...oh well...thats life.......and in my part...for my patient...i did what i could and i sleep soundly tonight without guilt.

i remember being an intern in the PAH, one day, i was in a life and an elderly lady asked me a question i could not answer. i replied "i am sorry madam, i am just a student, i cant help you". She said to me "darling, you are never JUST a student". if only my colleagues could see me as an equal an not JUST a PRP.

the poor pak cik who came all the way to hospital........and the staff lost his D/C summary and prescription...........i can only...........wah...i really respect you guys who work in ward of a hospital.........this kind of thing aso can happen..............

so yea...it was a long day...but...in the end... i did the best i could........i will sleep tonight.........without any guilt.............

Hospital life part 2: confessions of a workaholic

Dear Blog,

I feel the sudden urge to talk to you about my day. Today was really hectic...my preceptor suddenly had to take emergency leave because her husband is sick while my other preceptor is doing night call (meaning she comes in afternoon). All of the sudden, i am the only clinical pharmacist (although in training) around. Gosh, i felt the pressure at first...but after a while, i sudden feel the satisfaction of being a useful person. When my colleagues ask me questions and i was able to provide professional answers with confidence, i start to perhaps, begin to love my job

however, i think i'm developing workaholism , today i left work at 7.15pm. Yest, i left work at 9pm...hmm...i'm not actually paid for doing these extra hours, but yet i loved doing it and actually (surprisingly) felt energetic doing it. some might argue that i was only staying behind to watch handsome MO at work. hmmm...first of all....that adjective in the statement itself is debatable. second of all, i really am too busy trying to meet my clinical targets to worry about anything else atm.

but...on the drive back home, i did have a little time to think about the state of my urm...relationship status....well...i suppose i am looking for someone that is willing to perform CPR on my alr asystole heart........and the truth is....this person, can be anyone....i'm not picky....the only item i have on my checklist is that when i look at him, i know i am home, regardless of whether i am in the hospital, at a restaurant or even working in the field (an option which i am looking at in the future). i am looking for someone that no matter how long the day was, how tired i am, how sore my muscles are or even how smelly i am after a long day of work and no chance to shower, that one person that when i look into his eyes, i know i am home.

Sounds complicated but its simple really...i don't really care much about the amount of time we spend together, unanswered calls, ignored sms-es, missed movie dates/anniversaries, gifts of flowers and other fancy stuff...i dont need those...the amount of time is not important, it is the quality of time spent together. i am the kind of girl who goes out to buy herself a diamond ring just because i love that ring. i dont sit around and wait for someone to buy me the ring. if i like it and if i can afford it, i will buy it myself. its as simple as that.......at the end of the day, i suppose, i am just looking for emotional support, and perhaps, a bonus if there is a willing shoulder that i could lean on.

So here i am........waiting....wondering......how long a heart can stay asystole before it can no longer be revived..........

Hospital life part 1

Dear Blog,

its been a while since i have chatted with you. mainly because i've been busy. things happening to family members, mom relapsed TB, grandma CAP, dad sprained right hand....the list goes on............

life in clinical pharmacy has been good to me...its a hard station but i'm loving every minute of it. its the only station where i can see a multidisciplinary team work together for a patient's health and wellbeing. just today, i observed a femoral cath insertion in a man who is in need to urgent HD. sure i suffered from N&V and LOA after that, but watching the process is just an experience you can never forget. this reminded me of my attachment at the PA Hospital during my fourth year undergrad study. My preceptor Saira arranged for me to observe ECTs being performed. I still remember being in the operating theatre, cold and numb, watching a few houseman, MO and specialist induce seizures in depressed patients who undergo the procedure with hope that one day they can get better.

Experiences like this sometimes make me rethink my decision of not pursuing medicine years ago. it made me wonder if i have made the right decision. at the time, i was naive, i chose to have a happy family instead of being alone. But now, despite not choosing medicine, i am still alone and unwanted. The one person tht i thought i was going to spend the rest of my life with left me and took along a precious family member i never got to know and love. i made my decision when a doctor (specialist and CEO of a private hospital)said that female doctors have troubled private lives. i mean, look at adeline yen mah the author and main protagonist of falling leaves. But, there's always an exception to the rule isnt there?i'm sure many of you female docs out there who would disagree with this "specialist"'s statement, but naive little me 5 years ago believed him and choose to forsake medicine.

Speaking of things like this make me wan to do an ECT on myself....yes...i suffer from depression dear blog, and sometimes i feel that i can nvr rid of this terrible illness for my whole entire life. all i can do is keep practising what i have learned in CBT and continue to be compliant to my medication.

when i think of my attachment at PA hospital, i remember the best preceptor i had, Karl, he was a wonderful talented, knowledgable and most importantly kind and considerate boss. Karl was one person i had to take my hat off to. i remember our experience in BIRU, where we visited a patient with TBI. This poor 36 year old lady suffered TBI 2` to MVA. She has a short term memory of only 10 minutes and she also suffer from amnesia. every 10 minutes she asks the nurses these 3 questions 1.who am i? 2. where am i? 3. where is my husband. i remember this poor pt very well because in terms of medicine, we can do nothing for her except to sedate her with medications.i thought i'll nvr meet another pharmacist that make me want to take my hat off. but i did, my current preceptor Celine, is so good that i'll take my hat off and salute her if i could. i've learned so much from her and i hope that i will be granted the opportunity to learn more.

whoops...time to go...........havent had dinner and its 10.24pm malaysian time. Wish that i was back in Brisbane. I miss you so much Carole!!

thank you for being my listener dearest blog

Penny