Dear PO PO
Today we send you off for one last time. You lived an amazing 97 years as we have known being a wonderful mother and grandmother to many.
I have not been part of your family for long but the first time we met, you looked at me and smiled a very sweet smile. You don't have much teeth left but that smile was the beautiful smile i have ever seen.
I knew from that moment on that you have accepted me as your family. Then you looked at your grandson and told him to treat me well and love me and to marry me. You also ask us to marry and have many children to carry on the family name.
Po Po, today we all say goodbye to you. But it is not a sad goodbye. We are all wearing pink and red because your wonderful life deserve to be celebrated. We love you and we will always remember you for how loving you are.
We know deep down that you are not gone. In Buddhism it is called Wang Shen....we know you have gone to a better place...we believe you are smiling down on us.
Po Po I know in law I am not legally your granddaughter in law but I will still treat you like you are. I promise I will forever hold, love and cherish your grandson for richer and poorer, in sickness and health for better or worse...and soon I will bring a great grandchild to greet you...as you last wished.
Sunday, February 22, 2015
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
From the bottom of my broken heart
In a new beginning http://piginoz.blogspot.com/2014/11/a-new-beginning.html, the story was told from the viewpoint of Sam, the
psychiatrist, here is a continuation of Eva’s story from Sam’s point of view.
I sat in my office
waiting for my next appointment. I flipped open the file:
A happy wedding turned into a sad funeral.
Matt, the bridegroom was no more and Eva can only weep sorrowfully at the
heavens as they will be forever separated in life. She wore her blood stained
white wedding dress for three days and three nights as she stared at his picture. At
the hospital, she refused to leave Matt, so much that her family have to
request the medical staff to sedate her so that Matt can be prepared for the
funeral service. She would eat nothing as the only thing she can feel now is
emptiness. She no longer lives because her love, her heart and soul had died
with him.
Eva, sitting alone in her blood stained
white wedding dress on the floor of the bathroom, resembled a withering rose.
Eva did eventually get off the floor of that bathroom. It was 2
a.m when I received the call from ED. My patient almost drowned. She walked
alone to the lake where Matt proposed and jumped in from the spot where he
asked her to marry him just a mere two month ago. The water was freezing and
she was in hypothermia. When I walked into ED, she was as cold as ice and she
was pale. Lifeless. Somehow the hot blankets worked, somehow, after 2 hours of
continuous resuscitation effort, her temperature returned to normal and her
heart started beating again. Literally, but when she was conscious, her eyes
were like glass, she couldn’t and wouldn’t utter a single word. She as the masses
would say, is heartbroken.
So now she sits in my office and I am trying to help her. But
first, I need to convince her to reveal her past. She started by telling me her
experiences when she was a child.
So what if they call me a prostitute"?so what if i really am a
prostitute?some states even fight for the rights to legalize
prostitution..........and i never thought that prostitution is not a proper
job. for millions of years, people have done barter trading. selling personal
goods and services in return for something else. which is what i did. so you
wanna call me a prostitute?Go ahead.
I am just a girl. True, i sell my body for people who can help me
fulfill my dreams. i remember i was 16 years old. My tuition teacher always
liked me. He buys me things and cuddles me. He was a man in his 40s but he has
given me so much in terms of knowledge and experience. and the most important
referral letter that i needed to get a scholarship to go to university when i
was 17. So my results are mediocre. but i managed to get in the top highest
medical school in the country.
University is a gate to the big world. Yes, the big world is full of big
bad wolves and also..................perverts.........this is where i met my
mentor......Carl...........he was a part time lecturer but he really is a full
time medical officer at a local hospital near my university. Attending Carl's
lectures, i can never pay attention to the subject he is lecturing on. I only
have eyes for him. Thus begin my infactuation to the very handsome and very
charismatic lecturer. Only one problem...he is married...unhappily.....
How would i know?He told me..as soon i was to be doing research under
him. Which is my life's dream. To see him everyday. It makes every girl die
happy. Many nights we spend together in our research laboratory. Seeking cure
to mankinds greatest fear. Sickness and diseases.....research was C's
life......work is also his life........because he has no other life. Married
for the past 5 years with no signs of marital life. It was a "
"loveless" marriage. He once told me he feels very trapped in his
family and that his wife does not understand him.
2 years. I worked under C for 2 years where my infactuation grew into
true love. I would do anything for this man if he asks me. Everytime i look at
him, i was filled with a desire to bring him love and care and all the
happiness in this world. One night, it was a particularly busy quarter...and
all lab work need to be completed to be published in the summer version of the
journal of medicine in order for the next semester's grant for research to be
approved. Everyone in the team was working really hard and we were all
physically and mentally exhausted. I couldn't stand the look of C's baggy puffy
eyes so i went to the cafeteria to get us some coffee...........
The hallways were dark. I was alone and i began to worry as i hear
footsteps behind me...........my heart started beating really fast and i walked
as fast i could to the coffee machine....suddenly i hear a very loud sound and
everything was pitch black.
I woke up in a hospital bed. The first sensation I could feel was
pain. I couldn’t remember anything. The police came and took my statement. I
was told that they found me by the trash, naked and violated. My face was badly
bruised and my ribs were broken in three places. There was a 10 centimeter scar
across my neck from my right ear down my throat. My attackers were obviously
never trained medically as they missed all my jugular veins. I lied in the
trash for almost three hours before the janitor found me. It was a miracle that
I was alive.
Life as I know it from that point onwards was over. I didn’t know
how to live with me because I hardly know myself. The first time I looked into
the mirror five days after I woke up, I screamed at the stranger staring back
at me.
C never once looked down on me or
my dark murky past. When I felt that I was drowning, he was there to lend me a
hand to pull me out of the water. I took showers about ten times each day
because I can always feel that there is filth on me and I must have been
washing my hands about 100 times a day. Still C never once judged me. He stood
by me and he gave me hope. He was the reason I learned to walk again in this
long winding and bumpy road we call life.
He accepted me for me and for
that i learned that i must accept him from him. Many nights were spent alone in
his big empty house, waiting. It was all part and parcel of being with someone
so full of ambition.
But sometimes, the nights can be
lonely. But i have learned from past failed relationships that love means
accepting a person's good qualities and accepting and learning to love those
that werent. Because nobody is perfect.
But C being him, is just this
perfect guy that wants his girl to have a perfect world. We are two people that
are very much in love, and for me, he was willing to give up anything.
I could not let him do that. i
could never let him give up his dreams for me. So i choose to let go. I choose
to end the relationship this time. Before everything turns sour. I said harsh
words. Very harsh words. And then i do what i do best. I disappeared and did
not looked back.
You see, MSF does this mission
once in a while to specific areas in the world where medical services are
needed. If he passed it up, i have no idea when the same chance will come
again. i have always believed that if you truly love a person, you do not try
to possess him or to keep him by your side, as that is never the main aim. If
you truly love someone, you would want him to be happy. And that when you see
that he is happy, chasing after his dreams and living it, you would be happy
too. No matter how painful it takes for you to put that sharp knife through
yourself.
It was a painful step, but i was necessary in order for him to be
able to go out on his own, and be free to chase his own dreams, even if those
dreams do not include me.
About 6 weeks after I left, I had an accident. We were unloading
supplies into a medical camp when suddenly……………….
*Whether this story will continue or not depend
on your vote. If you are interested to hear what happened next, insert your
name in the comments section.
Saturday, December 13, 2014
First love
It was during my final year internship that i met C. To me, he was the perfect guy. Charismatic and funny at the same time. He was an avid researcher and it was his dream to do research in medicine to benefit mankind.
C never once looked down on me or my dark murky past. He accepted me for me and for that i learned that i must accept him from him. Many nights were spent alone in his big empty house, waiting. It was all part and parcel of being with someone so full of ambition.
But sometimes, the nights can be lonely. But i have learned from past failed relationships that love means accepting a person's good qualities and accepting and learning to love those that werent. Because nobody is perfect.
But C being him, is just this perfect guy that wants his girl to have a perfect world. We are two people that are very much in love, and for me, he was willing to give up anything.
I could not let him do that. i could never let him give up his dreams for me. So i choose to let go. I choose to end the relationship this time. Before everything turns sour. I said harsh words. Very harsh words. And then i do what i do best. I disappeared and did not looked back.
You see, MSF does this mission once in a while to specific areas in the world where medical services are needed. If he passed it up, i have no idea when the same chance will come again. i have always believed that if you truly love a person, you do not try to possess him or to keep him by your side, as that is never the main aim. If you truly love someone, you would want him to be happy. And that when you see that he is happy, chasing after his dreams and living it, you would be happy too. No matter how painful it takes for you to put that sharp knife through yourself.
It was a painful step, but i was necessary in order for him to be able to go out on his own, and be free to chase his own dreams, even if those dreams do no include me. Who am I? I am Eva and this is my story
C never once looked down on me or my dark murky past. He accepted me for me and for that i learned that i must accept him from him. Many nights were spent alone in his big empty house, waiting. It was all part and parcel of being with someone so full of ambition.
But sometimes, the nights can be lonely. But i have learned from past failed relationships that love means accepting a person's good qualities and accepting and learning to love those that werent. Because nobody is perfect.
But C being him, is just this perfect guy that wants his girl to have a perfect world. We are two people that are very much in love, and for me, he was willing to give up anything.
I could not let him do that. i could never let him give up his dreams for me. So i choose to let go. I choose to end the relationship this time. Before everything turns sour. I said harsh words. Very harsh words. And then i do what i do best. I disappeared and did not looked back.
You see, MSF does this mission once in a while to specific areas in the world where medical services are needed. If he passed it up, i have no idea when the same chance will come again. i have always believed that if you truly love a person, you do not try to possess him or to keep him by your side, as that is never the main aim. If you truly love someone, you would want him to be happy. And that when you see that he is happy, chasing after his dreams and living it, you would be happy too. No matter how painful it takes for you to put that sharp knife through yourself.
It was a painful step, but i was necessary in order for him to be able to go out on his own, and be free to chase his own dreams, even if those dreams do no include me. Who am I? I am Eva and this is my story
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
A new beginning
On April 11, 2013, i wrote a story entitled Just a girl @ http://piginoz.blogspot.com/2013/04/just-girl.html
Her story did continue, albeit one year later.
A new beginning
The first time I met Eva, she was just a regular girl sitting in my office. Wavy soft brown hair, large dark brown eyes, 5 feet tall and curvy. It was just another consultation, perhaps just a regular case of MDD. But as the sessions continue, I am blown away by how many secrets this young girl can contain. You see, in my line of work, confidentiality is very important. But the stories she carry is much too interesting to be kept secret. So I have decided to write them down. But I will not share with just anyone, only to those that have the ability to read not from the eyes but through the heart. If you are reading this now, I hope you can do that.
It all begins with a red wedding. No, its not the type of Asian wedding where the bride dresses up in red and gets sent off in a red carriage. This is the Game of Thrones equivalent type of red wedding. She was 25 years old, and she thought she found someone that she could spend the rest of her life with. She walked down the aisle in her white dress accompanied by her beloved father with the rest of the family in attendance, watching her glow with the kind of joy that can only stem from true love. Her groom, 32, a tall handsome imposing figure turns around to see the mate he plans to love and cherish forever. All of the sudden, there was a sound of gunshot. Bang. All the ladies start screaming and running. Eva never made it to the end of the aisle.
A happy wedding turned into a sad funeral. Matt, the bridegroom was no more and Eva can only weep sorrowfully at the heavens as they will be forever separated in life. She wore her blood stainned white wedding dress for 3 days and 3 nights as she stared at his picture. At the hospital, she refused to leave Matt, so much that her family have to request the medical staff to sedate her so that Matt can be prepared for the funeral service. She would eat nothing as the only thing she can feel now is emptiness. She no longer lives because her love, her heart and soul had died with him.
Eva, sitting alone in her blood stainned white wedding dress on the floor of the bathroom, resembled a withering rose. Would she be able to find a new beginning for herself?
Stay tuned to find out.
To be continued...............
**If you like my stories, please leave a comment so that I will be motivated to write somemore**
Her story did continue, albeit one year later.
A new beginning
The first time I met Eva, she was just a regular girl sitting in my office. Wavy soft brown hair, large dark brown eyes, 5 feet tall and curvy. It was just another consultation, perhaps just a regular case of MDD. But as the sessions continue, I am blown away by how many secrets this young girl can contain. You see, in my line of work, confidentiality is very important. But the stories she carry is much too interesting to be kept secret. So I have decided to write them down. But I will not share with just anyone, only to those that have the ability to read not from the eyes but through the heart. If you are reading this now, I hope you can do that.
It all begins with a red wedding. No, its not the type of Asian wedding where the bride dresses up in red and gets sent off in a red carriage. This is the Game of Thrones equivalent type of red wedding. She was 25 years old, and she thought she found someone that she could spend the rest of her life with. She walked down the aisle in her white dress accompanied by her beloved father with the rest of the family in attendance, watching her glow with the kind of joy that can only stem from true love. Her groom, 32, a tall handsome imposing figure turns around to see the mate he plans to love and cherish forever. All of the sudden, there was a sound of gunshot. Bang. All the ladies start screaming and running. Eva never made it to the end of the aisle.
A happy wedding turned into a sad funeral. Matt, the bridegroom was no more and Eva can only weep sorrowfully at the heavens as they will be forever separated in life. She wore her blood stainned white wedding dress for 3 days and 3 nights as she stared at his picture. At the hospital, she refused to leave Matt, so much that her family have to request the medical staff to sedate her so that Matt can be prepared for the funeral service. She would eat nothing as the only thing she can feel now is emptiness. She no longer lives because her love, her heart and soul had died with him.
Eva, sitting alone in her blood stainned white wedding dress on the floor of the bathroom, resembled a withering rose. Would she be able to find a new beginning for herself?
Stay tuned to find out.
To be continued...............
**If you like my stories, please leave a comment so that I will be motivated to write somemore**
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
the prayer
I pray you'll be our eyes
And watch us where we go
And help us to be wise
In times when we don't know
Let this be our prayer
When we lose our way
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your grace
To a place where we'll be safe
The voice of Celine Dion soothes me on a troubled day
It is exhausting to live sometimes you can't really blame those who sought to end life. I can sort of see their point. Recently a bout of evil office politics saw me nauseated and dizzy. Sometimes I wish I could just quit. It is then I turn to chanting the mantra mortgage mortgage mortgage. Yup, that kept me going for a while.
I envy those who never seem to tire. Yes, I.m talking about you Mr. Teoh SuLim, yes I also mean you Peng. How do you guys get all the energy?Greats....you guys are like giants and how I hope I can just be a little like you.
Achievements, another aspect which I wonder, how do you do it?can give me some tips?
It has been said that behind every successful man there is a women. However behind every successful woman there is usually a tragic story. I have always dreamed of finding a successful man to stand behind but failing miserably.
So I have chosen the latter. The tragic story part though.......perhaps if I jumped off a cliff tomorrow........ hahaha.....oh well.....they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?
Hope to get your support and prayers through this.
E la fede che
Hai assesso in noi
Sento che ci salvera
And watch us where we go
And help us to be wise
In times when we don't know
Let this be our prayer
When we lose our way
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your grace
To a place where we'll be safe
The voice of Celine Dion soothes me on a troubled day
It is exhausting to live sometimes you can't really blame those who sought to end life. I can sort of see their point. Recently a bout of evil office politics saw me nauseated and dizzy. Sometimes I wish I could just quit. It is then I turn to chanting the mantra mortgage mortgage mortgage. Yup, that kept me going for a while.
I envy those who never seem to tire. Yes, I.m talking about you Mr. Teoh SuLim, yes I also mean you Peng. How do you guys get all the energy?Greats....you guys are like giants and how I hope I can just be a little like you.
Achievements, another aspect which I wonder, how do you do it?can give me some tips?
It has been said that behind every successful man there is a women. However behind every successful woman there is usually a tragic story. I have always dreamed of finding a successful man to stand behind but failing miserably.
So I have chosen the latter. The tragic story part though.......perhaps if I jumped off a cliff tomorrow........ hahaha.....oh well.....they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?
Hope to get your support and prayers through this.
E la fede che
Hai assesso in noi
Sento che ci salvera
Monday, July 21, 2014
Death
Death is the solution to all problems.
The last enemy that shall be destroyed is Death.
人生走到尽头 的 是 后, 还有什么值得留恋的呢
Our country has seen dark days this year. First, a plane
disappears, then another shot down. Life is certainly too fragile. Its like
candlelight sometimes before a candle is burned to the end, the light is just
snuffed out.
But is Death really a scary thing? Everyone dies eventually
right?there lies the question, would I rather be a ghost of 370 or 17? Maybe a
ghost of 370 as the plane is not found yet and I could still be alive somewhere
naively speaking. How about living relatives?in my personal opinion, I would
rather be a living relative of 17 as at least it is certain the outcome and
would not be left guessing for months. Some may argue that its better to have
hope than none at all but when a person is dead, it is better to be certain
that person’s death and have found the body to prove it rather than死无全身
About a month ago I read a touching wedding story. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2671525/It-like-heartbreaking-fairytale-Emotional-moment-cancer-patient-weds-true-love-hospital-ceremony-dying-just-10-hours-later.html
The couple had a two year old daughter…I suppose one feels sorry
for the dead but perhaps the one suffering the most through these are the ones
that are still living.
Perhaps to the dead, it is a certain kind of release. Especially
those who are suffering in this life..
Funny in this life, people usually fight to live and yet some may
find that life is生不 如死. Perhaps I should have traded souls with
some of those abroad those flights.
Yes, to trade volatile and incompetent me with one of those HIV
researchers who may have a better chance of de hacer una differencia.
Initially due to my obsession with World Cup and its shinning star
Lionel, I did some research on the life of Eva Peron. It may not be a bed of
roses but at least after her death, millions remember and love her. I was
inspired to do something to make a difference in the descamisados of the world
but now I just realised how vastly incompetent I am. Do I deserve to live over
those hundreds of life that tragically ended through those tragedies? I cant
say. But one thing is for certain, although I am born on the same day as Eva, I
can never be her no matter how naively I dream to be.
Suddenly it seems my obsessions are the only thing that is keeping
my sanity til now. Without them to distract me, I came back to reality which
when hits you in the face could certainly be fatal in its own way.
Maybe its time to embrace Death and the release that it can bring.
Maybe Father in Heaven would take pity on his worthless little girl and take
her back into his arms for once. One can only hope.
Friday, July 18, 2014
For every cloud is there a silver lining?
当一个人太伤心了思考，往往导致人放弃一切. Qué significa nada si todo el mundo trata de consolarla? 人は一生懸命再試行して、もう一度、彼女は価値があることを証明するとき、それは本当に問題ではありません？quand il ya un rêve impossible, elle a osé rêver. 하지만 그녀는 꿈은 항상 꿈이 될 것입니다 알고 현실에서 설정할 때, 당신은 잔인한 현실에 일어나해야
La realidad de que la vida es dura, tan dura que a veces es agotador sólo para vivir. Maybe ... maybe illic est aliquid melius est reverti in armis olim Faber i tandem pax ametur. 我只是要找到这样做的最好方式.
There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong
I dreamed a dream in times gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung
No wine untasted
But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame
He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came
And still I dream he'll come to me
That we'll live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed
Lyrics from eLyrics.net
Monday, July 14, 2014
World Cup Final Brazil 2014
Winners: Germany
Golden Ball: Lionel Messi
It is a good game really. From day 1 the Albiceleste entered the finals, many think they don't stand a chance. But they fought bravely until the very end. They didnt have Angel Di Maria and Sergio Aguero wasnt in top form. The rest of the team was mediocre. Though i must give credit to the defenders for fighting until the very last few minutes of the game. They did well, they all did well. And if i am given the opportuity to say something to Argentina...it would be "Well done guys, thank you for doing your very best and giving us such an interesting game to watch" They just looked so exhausted...Albiceleste, I am proud of you. You didnt lose, you got second place. I know that in your eyes thats just not good enough but hey really, look on the bright side. You got past the quarter finals and you are in the finals for the first time in 20 over years. You have achieved what previously couldnt be achieved and a lot of you are still young and still can have another go in 4 years time.
Lionel, you did your best. You are the best player of the tournament and you've got the Golden Ball to prove it. As captain, you are great. Its just that you didnt have enough support from your teammates and its not your fault. Your best partners were injured or recovering from injury. The rest of them probably need to improve on skills for the next tournament but you did great. You had to stay in the shadows of Diego Maradona this whole time and at the same time u carry the weight of the nation on your shoulders. I feel your stress and burden. But its okay....you are only 27, 4 years from now you can still lead your country to victory. Sleep on it mi amor and wake up tomorrow and look forward. You still have your whole career ahead of you.
You have been my inspiration since the start of this tournament Lionel. You still are...and i as a fan, admirer makes a vow that in the next four years i will also do my best to improve myself. In terms of career and other personal achievements. I strive for one to be able to do something that would make a difference to the world. And I would also try my best to learn some Spanish so that if ever i get the chance to meet you we can have a conversation?I would love to have your autograph. Maybe i'll have a chance to in the next four years. Hopefully your English will also improve by then. Apart from that i also pledge to do more charity work and champion more causes that matter to the world. I will in the next four years make myself, my family and hopefully my nation proud of me and i hope that you would be able to do that too.
See you in Russia 2018.
Golden Ball: Lionel Messi
It is a good game really. From day 1 the Albiceleste entered the finals, many think they don't stand a chance. But they fought bravely until the very end. They didnt have Angel Di Maria and Sergio Aguero wasnt in top form. The rest of the team was mediocre. Though i must give credit to the defenders for fighting until the very last few minutes of the game. They did well, they all did well. And if i am given the opportuity to say something to Argentina...it would be "Well done guys, thank you for doing your very best and giving us such an interesting game to watch" They just looked so exhausted...Albiceleste, I am proud of you. You didnt lose, you got second place. I know that in your eyes thats just not good enough but hey really, look on the bright side. You got past the quarter finals and you are in the finals for the first time in 20 over years. You have achieved what previously couldnt be achieved and a lot of you are still young and still can have another go in 4 years time.
Lionel, you did your best. You are the best player of the tournament and you've got the Golden Ball to prove it. As captain, you are great. Its just that you didnt have enough support from your teammates and its not your fault. Your best partners were injured or recovering from injury. The rest of them probably need to improve on skills for the next tournament but you did great. You had to stay in the shadows of Diego Maradona this whole time and at the same time u carry the weight of the nation on your shoulders. I feel your stress and burden. But its okay....you are only 27, 4 years from now you can still lead your country to victory. Sleep on it mi amor and wake up tomorrow and look forward. You still have your whole career ahead of you.
You have been my inspiration since the start of this tournament Lionel. You still are...and i as a fan, admirer makes a vow that in the next four years i will also do my best to improve myself. In terms of career and other personal achievements. I strive for one to be able to do something that would make a difference to the world. And I would also try my best to learn some Spanish so that if ever i get the chance to meet you we can have a conversation?I would love to have your autograph. Maybe i'll have a chance to in the next four years. Hopefully your English will also improve by then. Apart from that i also pledge to do more charity work and champion more causes that matter to the world. I will in the next four years make myself, my family and hopefully my nation proud of me and i hope that you would be able to do that too.
See you in Russia 2018.
Saturday, July 12, 2014
Lionel Messi
Honestly....there has never been a man that is in my mind so much that its as if he lives there...permanently.
I have been spending every waking hour thinking of him. I wonder how he feels at the moment..tired out after the match with the Dutch?is he training for the final?is he stressed about the clash with Germany?
I have every faith that he will do his very best this Monday...but i am genuinely worried as Germany is really good...Plus a really handsome coach.............i mean...the German coach of course...not the Argentine....
What will happen? I cant wait...but I hope they will put up a good fight and avenge the Brazilians....tear down the Berlin wall again!
Lionel....my heart and soul is no longer with me..they are with you at this moment urging you to do your very best and to give your all without regrets. I know for the past 3 matches you didnt score but its okay...no matter what we all love you and believe that you can do the magic!!!!
Vamos Lionel!!! Vamos Argentina!!!
I have been spending every waking hour thinking of him. I wonder how he feels at the moment..tired out after the match with the Dutch?is he training for the final?is he stressed about the clash with Germany?
I have every faith that he will do his very best this Monday...but i am genuinely worried as Germany is really good...Plus a really handsome coach.............i mean...the German coach of course...not the Argentine....
What will happen? I cant wait...but I hope they will put up a good fight and avenge the Brazilians....tear down the Berlin wall again!
Lionel....my heart and soul is no longer with me..they are with you at this moment urging you to do your very best and to give your all without regrets. I know for the past 3 matches you didnt score but its okay...no matter what we all love you and believe that you can do the magic!!!!
Vamos Lionel!!! Vamos Argentina!!!
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
World cup fever!!
Argentina into the semi finals! Wow, my idol and first time
captain Lionel Messi has finally been able to propel his country through past
quarter finals.
After the world cup started, I have somewhat caught the
samba fever head on this time. Especially since my idol is captain of his team.
From the beginning, I was genuinely worried for them because the whole team has
not exactly given stellar performances for the last 4 matches they have played.
I almost had a heart attack during the first knockout game too as they needed
to go to extra time to score.
This samba fever in my system is not just rooting for a
certain team as well. Its more of rooting for a person, that is of course
Lionel who became the person I followed the most for the past 3 weeks whether
in the news or in social media. I even went crazy enough to look up his charity
organisation and considering to contribute as well as going relentlessly on
amazon.com to try and buy his book Messi: Choose to believe which would cost
probably a few hundred RM for it to be shipped to me.
Many may argue that my fascination for this soccer player is
surely the school girl type or the tragical princess looking for prince
charming kind of admiration. True, there maybe elements of that but my
fascination with him begins 4 years ago in 2010 when I started watching the
World Cup with genuine interest for the first time.
I should probably thank Walt for inducing my Messi-fever
during that period, the thing about Lionel that impresses me the most is his
loyalty to Barca. As I was told Lionel declared he will never leave Barca for
whatever price unless he is sold because he remembers that at the time when he
needed help the most, it is that FC that lends out a hand. For a young soccer
player having the world under his feet to be able to withstand materialism and
show much gratitude towards a benefactor, he truly did earned my respect. Then,
there is his sob story of humble beginnings and struggles through a growth
hormone deficiency problem since a young age. Instantly double that respect. He
didn’t manage to score in 2010 but for the above stated reasons, Messi-fever
lasted several months until after the tournament ends before dying down.
Fast forward to 2014, Messi-fever is back. Every single day
my thoughts were given to this man, be it a few minutes to hours per day.
Watching him evolve on the field, as his no.1 fan, tonight, I feel as I have
evolved also. From the beginning I looked forward to see him scoring and my
main point of checking the match results (the ones not involving Argentina) the
following day would be to see if any of the top scorers had scored. To the
point that when Germany played against France yesterday I was actually racing
to see the scoreboard just to check if Mueller had scored. And I was pretty
happy this morning when I saw that the 2 Brazilian goals weren’t from Neymar. I
was pretty sad to see James somebody scoring.
All of that changed this afternoon after hearing the news of
Neymar’s injury. One would think that I would be happy to have a golden boot
contender out of the race. But I hear of the news of the injury upon reading
Lionel’s message to Neymar wishing a speedy recovery. It virtually opened a can
of worms for me. Instead of wishing he would score, I was praying that he
wouldn’t be injured in any way during tonight’s match. As I watched Lionel
play, I suddenly a sort epiphany, I realised that Lionel’s started playing with
the team and not in the team. Especially the last two games where he set up
goals instead of scoring them. I suddenly realised I could be just as happy
watching him control the ball and then pass in on to others so that they could
score. I mean, as a star player, the competition would center their defence
plan on him. He uses that as an advantage, if he lures them away, he opens up
spaces for his team mates to score. Di Maria did the last time, and Higuain did
it today. That’s taking one for the team for you and watching him grow to
become a Captain that controls and directs the team towards victory is so much
more rewarding than a single goal for a personal few minutes of fame. Of
course, scoring will be a big achievement for Lionel as he has yet to found a
way past the Belgium goalkeeper in the past games they played against each
other. Still, as I have thought earlier when Higuain scored, the team might
benefit from a bit of feng shui. Meaning if fates dictate Lionel is never meant
to score with that goalkeeper, let someone else do the scoring. Worked quite
well but of course winning is the mainpoint while scoring against that
particular goalkeeper is just icing on the cake. One icing that he will just
have to do without this time.
My Messi-fever has gone up a different notch too. Instead of
rooting for the man, I now seek to become the man. Even more so after I have
read the first chapter of his book, Choose to believe. From a small town boy to
a big star, his hurdles with needing financial support, the battle with growth hormone
deficiency, death of his grandmother, being a loving father to Thiago, doing
charity work through his Leo Messi Foundation to his recent appointment as
UNICEF ambassador, he is a role model to look up to in every aspect. And I just
found out he is 27, just like me and his birthday is on 24 June meaning he is
exactly a month and 17 days younger than me. Yet he has achieved so much.
It made me reflect and think, Penny, what have you been doing
your whole life?I now seek Lionel as inspiration. What makes him so successful? Is
it his passion for playing football? Maybe, and he managed to make it his full
time job too. Maybe I need to fine passion in my full time job or find a job
that I am passionate about.
I used to be really good at stuff and then somewhere along
the lines I have lost my mojo. I need to get it back. Bouncing up and down,
since my high school graduation, I realised that I have never truly stopped
obsessing about me. But I have also lost my confidence and gained a lot of
weight on the way and somehow that is just unforgivable.
I am unable to go on writing as I have reached the part
where I might just grind myself to dust for all the useless things I have done
for the past 27 years of my life. Its time to move on. I need a kick. Hopefully
a big one coming from Lionel Messi, my dearest idol. My message to Lionel: I know you strive to win
the world cup for Argentina but I do hope that you stay safe for the next two
games. You might not have that personal breakthrough you are hoping for but you
are safe and your team is through, you will have more chances in the future. Gol
o no gol usted es mi héroe. And I sincerely hope that Angel Di Maria would
recover from injury well enough to play in the next two games. Making that man
my second favourite Argentinian for his determination and superb runs in the
matches.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
The "incident"
The next time i opened my eyes, I was in the hospital. I had no idea what happened and the first person i saw when i opened my eyes was CY, my roommate and BFF. She said i have been unconscious for 3 days and they found me in front of the cafeteria toilets one morning.
I stayed in the Mater for 3 months. It is a good thing i was covered by insurance as i had a lot of physiotherapy to go through before i could walk properly again. I never remembered what happened that night and i never want to.
Life goes on as normal after the incident. I continued doing research. 3 months later, I realised that something is missing from my life. Something that should happen on a regular basis. My worst suspicion came through. I decided to visit the pharmacy to buy what i needed to confirm. The results came back positive.
What am i to do?I was devastated. I had no one and i am in the middle of my final year. I cant afford this. A thought crossed my mind. But..........i know i could never commit murder. I decided that i will take it one step at a time and when the time comes, i'll then decide what to do.
I read in the news recently regarding the story of the Princess suffering from hyperemesis gravidarum. She had the luxury of being hospitalised in the best hospital of the state and no doubt treated by the best doctor and most importantly loved by a wonderful husband, the handsome Prince. I on the other hand, bit on pieces of ginger to try and stop it. It was those days that i realised that friends are really the jewels of my life.
Besides keeping my dreadful secret, CY cooked my every meal and took care of every single aspect of my life that i could not handle through the last stages of my difficult situation. She took notes for me when i was too sick to attend lectures and covered my assignments for me, especially the group work ones. I had to give up on doing my honours research with Carl, as i was too sick to continue at the time. I did not feel it was fair to the rest of the members of the research group.
The day comes for our final exam...............................i am really going to graduate.............it was towards the end of my last paper....when i felt it.........the strangest sensation of needing to go to the toilet. I quickly finished what i could and raised my hand to hand in the paper. Suddenly..my water broke. Til today i can still remember the horrid smell, as i am sure the rest of the 600 students in the exam hall would too....
It was a difficult delivery. I was only 20 years old. What could i do?
I stayed in the Mater for 3 months. It is a good thing i was covered by insurance as i had a lot of physiotherapy to go through before i could walk properly again. I never remembered what happened that night and i never want to.
Life goes on as normal after the incident. I continued doing research. 3 months later, I realised that something is missing from my life. Something that should happen on a regular basis. My worst suspicion came through. I decided to visit the pharmacy to buy what i needed to confirm. The results came back positive.
What am i to do?I was devastated. I had no one and i am in the middle of my final year. I cant afford this. A thought crossed my mind. But..........i know i could never commit murder. I decided that i will take it one step at a time and when the time comes, i'll then decide what to do.
I read in the news recently regarding the story of the Princess suffering from hyperemesis gravidarum. She had the luxury of being hospitalised in the best hospital of the state and no doubt treated by the best doctor and most importantly loved by a wonderful husband, the handsome Prince. I on the other hand, bit on pieces of ginger to try and stop it. It was those days that i realised that friends are really the jewels of my life.
Besides keeping my dreadful secret, CY cooked my every meal and took care of every single aspect of my life that i could not handle through the last stages of my difficult situation. She took notes for me when i was too sick to attend lectures and covered my assignments for me, especially the group work ones. I had to give up on doing my honours research with Carl, as i was too sick to continue at the time. I did not feel it was fair to the rest of the members of the research group.
The day comes for our final exam...............................i am really going to graduate.............it was towards the end of my last paper....when i felt it.........the strangest sensation of needing to go to the toilet. I quickly finished what i could and raised my hand to hand in the paper. Suddenly..my water broke. Til today i can still remember the horrid smell, as i am sure the rest of the 600 students in the exam hall would too....
It was a difficult delivery. I was only 20 years old. What could i do?
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Just a girl
So what if they call me a prostitute"?so what if i really am a prostitute?some states even fight for the rights to legalize prostitution..........and i never thought that prostitution is not a proper job. for millions of years, people have done barter trading. selling personal goods and services in return for something else. which is what i did. so you wanna call me a prostitute?Go ahead.
I am just a girl. True, i sell my body for people who can help me fulfill my dreams. i remember i was 16 years old. My tuition teacher always liked me. He buys me things and cuddles me. He was a man in his 40s but he has given me so much in terms of knowledge and experience. and the most important referral letter that i needed to get a scholarship to go to university when i was 17. So my results are mediocre. but i managed to get in the top highest medical school in the country.
University is a gate to the big world. Yes, the big world is full of big bad wolves and also..................perverts.........this is where i met my mentor......Carl...........he was a part time lecturer but he really is a full time medical officer at a local hospital near my university. Attending Carl's lectures, i can never pay attention to the subject he is lecturing on. I only have eyes for him. Thus begin my infactuation to the very handsome and very charismatic lecturer. Only one problem...he is married...unhappily.....
How would i know?He told me..as soon i was to be doing research under him. Which is my life's dream. To see him everyday. It makes every girl die happy. Many nights we spend together in our research laboratory. Seeking cure to mankinds greatest fear. Sickness and diseases.....research was Carl's life......work is also his life........because he has no other life. Married for the past 5 years with no signs of marital life. It was a " "loveless" marriage. He once told me he feels very trapped in his family and that his wife does not understand him.
2 years. I worked under Carl for 2 years where my infactuation grew into true love. I would do anything for this man if he asks me. Everytime i look at him, i was filled with a desire to bring him love and care and all the happiness in this world. One night, it was a particularly busy quarter...and all lab work need to be completed to be published in the summer version of the journal of medicine in order for the next semester's grant for research to be approved. Everyone in the team was working really hard and we were all physically and mentally exhausted. I couldnt stand the look of Carl's baggy puffy eyes so i went to the cafeteria to get us some coffee...........
The hallways were dark. I was alone and i began to worry as i hear footsteps behind me...........my heart started beating really fast and i walked as fast i could to the coffee machine....suddenly i hear a very loud sound and everything was pitch black.
I am just a girl. True, i sell my body for people who can help me fulfill my dreams. i remember i was 16 years old. My tuition teacher always liked me. He buys me things and cuddles me. He was a man in his 40s but he has given me so much in terms of knowledge and experience. and the most important referral letter that i needed to get a scholarship to go to university when i was 17. So my results are mediocre. but i managed to get in the top highest medical school in the country.
University is a gate to the big world. Yes, the big world is full of big bad wolves and also..................perverts.........this is where i met my mentor......Carl...........he was a part time lecturer but he really is a full time medical officer at a local hospital near my university. Attending Carl's lectures, i can never pay attention to the subject he is lecturing on. I only have eyes for him. Thus begin my infactuation to the very handsome and very charismatic lecturer. Only one problem...he is married...unhappily.....
How would i know?He told me..as soon i was to be doing research under him. Which is my life's dream. To see him everyday. It makes every girl die happy. Many nights we spend together in our research laboratory. Seeking cure to mankinds greatest fear. Sickness and diseases.....research was Carl's life......work is also his life........because he has no other life. Married for the past 5 years with no signs of marital life. It was a " "loveless" marriage. He once told me he feels very trapped in his family and that his wife does not understand him.
2 years. I worked under Carl for 2 years where my infactuation grew into true love. I would do anything for this man if he asks me. Everytime i look at him, i was filled with a desire to bring him love and care and all the happiness in this world. One night, it was a particularly busy quarter...and all lab work need to be completed to be published in the summer version of the journal of medicine in order for the next semester's grant for research to be approved. Everyone in the team was working really hard and we were all physically and mentally exhausted. I couldnt stand the look of Carl's baggy puffy eyes so i went to the cafeteria to get us some coffee...........
The hallways were dark. I was alone and i began to worry as i hear footsteps behind me...........my heart started beating really fast and i walked as fast i could to the coffee machine....suddenly i hear a very loud sound and everything was pitch black.
Short stories
Dear blog...........
i think i am the type of person that reveals too much things online...as my ex bf use to say....i should be banned from using the internet.........
so i have decided that from now on..everything i post on this blog will be purely fictional......and i have decided..thanks to my colleagues Mr Goh and Mr. Mak's inspiration..to post short stories in my blog instead
Disclaimer: everything is purely fictional. any similarities to anyone dead or alive is purely a coincidence.
love,
PJ
i think i am the type of person that reveals too much things online...as my ex bf use to say....i should be banned from using the internet.........
so i have decided that from now on..everything i post on this blog will be purely fictional......and i have decided..thanks to my colleagues Mr Goh and Mr. Mak's inspiration..to post short stories in my blog instead
Disclaimer: everything is purely fictional. any similarities to anyone dead or alive is purely a coincidence.
love,
PJ
Thursday, March 21, 2013
post call syndrome
Crap..post call and cant sleep...so typing nonsense here...........yawn............................
double triple quadruple yawn..........
crazy night.........have to do mdi counseling at 3 am in the morning.
now.........cant sleep pulak
ran out of lives in candy crush........so got nothing else better to do............................gosh...........
so worried................anxiety attack...............no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
double triple quadruple yawn..........
crazy night.........have to do mdi counseling at 3 am in the morning.
now.........cant sleep pulak
ran out of lives in candy crush........so got nothing else better to do............................gosh...........
so worried................anxiety attack...............no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Behind every successful man there is a woman
Behind every successful man there is USUALLY a women but
Does every successful woman NORMALLY have a man backing her up?
Lets take a look at history. Chinese emperor with their 3000 concubines vs the great queen elizabeth the first of England....
Come modern day, Florence Nightingale, Mother Theresa, Helen Keller, Hilary Clinton, Oprah......vs big men like President Obama, Duke of Cambridge, Tiger Woods etc......
So what is the difference?The men all had loving wives behind their backs, supporting their every move, sharing their every success.........
The women?they had themselves i suppose. Take Hilary Clinton for instance, talk about family issue and look how well she fared on her own.
The point is, great women are almost always alone in their struggles of achieving their goals in life and dreams. Thus behind every successful man there is a woman but behind every successful women, there is usually a sad story.
Why the sudden thought u might ask....well....the last example to this testament would be me....i suppose i am not considered successful now...but if i have to choose to be the woman behind the man or to be a successful woman with a sad story..........i would without hesistation to choose the former............
However, it is not always a choice.....sometimes, life meant for you to do things that you originally never thought you could set out to do.......
A discussion with a good friend today enlightenend me.......we must all become a functioning individual...having your other half beside you is icing on the cake..without it, we still have to funtion........that is a good way of ensuring an equal balanced relationship between two people.........
Very true......sad to say.....all those successful women........not all is as lucky as the heroine in my favourite book, Falling Leaves.
Sisters out there, i post a question to you....do you want to be a successful woman or a woman behind a successful man?
Does every successful woman NORMALLY have a man backing her up?
Lets take a look at history. Chinese emperor with their 3000 concubines vs the great queen elizabeth the first of England....
Come modern day, Florence Nightingale, Mother Theresa, Helen Keller, Hilary Clinton, Oprah......vs big men like President Obama, Duke of Cambridge, Tiger Woods etc......
So what is the difference?The men all had loving wives behind their backs, supporting their every move, sharing their every success.........
The women?they had themselves i suppose. Take Hilary Clinton for instance, talk about family issue and look how well she fared on her own.
The point is, great women are almost always alone in their struggles of achieving their goals in life and dreams. Thus behind every successful man there is a woman but behind every successful women, there is usually a sad story.
Why the sudden thought u might ask....well....the last example to this testament would be me....i suppose i am not considered successful now...but if i have to choose to be the woman behind the man or to be a successful woman with a sad story..........i would without hesistation to choose the former............
However, it is not always a choice.....sometimes, life meant for you to do things that you originally never thought you could set out to do.......
A discussion with a good friend today enlightenend me.......we must all become a functioning individual...having your other half beside you is icing on the cake..without it, we still have to funtion........that is a good way of ensuring an equal balanced relationship between two people.........
Very true......sad to say.....all those successful women........not all is as lucky as the heroine in my favourite book, Falling Leaves.
Sisters out there, i post a question to you....do you want to be a successful woman or a woman behind a successful man?
Monday, March 18, 2013
To revive is to learn to give CPR
Poor blog,
i have abandoned u for almost a year....gosh......u havent heard me ranting ever since i started working in a new hospital have you?
well, time to give you some CPR........ready?
Life has been wonderful to me...........i have recently became sister to two of my friends who got married....
very touching ceremonies too.......its these times that i wonder about the white dress and whether i will ever have the chance of wearing one.
When i looked back.......yup........life has been hard for me for the past 6 years...true....i have been alone with all the struggles of life, ups and downs.....but hey......i met so many ji mui along the way that cares so much for me and when my psychologist asked me to share who my support group people are..........i find them...........not just the girls in the pics.........my besties cy,chelfi, ls.........u guys will always be my besties.......going further maylyn n whye san....yea...i think so .....if i do one day get a chance to wear a white dress.......i've got my girls.......but unfortunately...some really too far le........need to save up so can sponsor u all.......
Gosh...suddenly i am planning my wedding pulak.........here's the catch...got no one to marry to......hahaha....wat a joke.........for a person whose lfie is so bleak at the moment..........i really needed something or someone to look forward to...........
maybe i try to hard....because i feel so tired now........i'm sorry for trying to hard to find someone that i can love and that loves me back. i will stop now for a rest and just let it be. accept when it comes and when it doesnt...i should spend my time doing something else better or risk being hurt over and over again...........again
Wish me luck bloggie dear. besides this attempt to revive u...i am also going to try and revive myself
i have abandoned u for almost a year....gosh......u havent heard me ranting ever since i started working in a new hospital have you?
well, time to give you some CPR........ready?
very touching ceremonies too.......its these times that i wonder about the white dress and whether i will ever have the chance of wearing one.
When i looked back.......yup........life has been hard for me for the past 6 years...true....i have been alone with all the struggles of life, ups and downs.....but hey......i met so many ji mui along the way that cares so much for me and when my psychologist asked me to share who my support group people are..........i find them...........not just the girls in the pics.........my besties cy,chelfi, ls.........u guys will always be my besties.......going further maylyn n whye san....yea...i think so .....if i do one day get a chance to wear a white dress.......i've got my girls.......but unfortunately...some really too far le........need to save up so can sponsor u all.......
Gosh...suddenly i am planning my wedding pulak.........here's the catch...got no one to marry to......hahaha....wat a joke.........for a person whose lfie is so bleak at the moment..........i really needed something or someone to look forward to...........
maybe i try to hard....because i feel so tired now........i'm sorry for trying to hard to find someone that i can love and that loves me back. i will stop now for a rest and just let it be. accept when it comes and when it doesnt...i should spend my time doing something else better or risk being hurt over and over again...........again
Wish me luck bloggie dear. besides this attempt to revive u...i am also going to try and revive myself
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
I am your angel
No mountain's too high for you to climb
All you have to do is have some climbing faith, oh yeah
No river's too wide for you to make it across
All you have to do is believe it when you pray
And then you will see, the morning will come
And everyday will be bright as the sun
All of your fears, cast them on me
I just want you to see
I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel, I'm your angel
I saw your teardrops and I heard you cry
All you need is time, seek me and you shall find
You have everything and you're still lonely
It don't have to be this way, let me show you a better day
And then you will see, the morning will come
And all of your days will be bright as the sun
So all of your fears, just cast them on me
How can I make you see?
I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
[| From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/c/celine-dion-lyrics/i_m-your-angel-lyrics.html |]
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel, I'm your angel
And when it's time to face the storm
I'll be right by your side
Grace will keep us safe and warm
And I know we will survive
And when it seems as if your end is drawing near
Don't you dare give up the fight
Just put your trust beyond the sky
I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel
I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel
I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I'm your angel
All you have to do is have some climbing faith, oh yeah
No river's too wide for you to make it across
All you have to do is believe it when you pray
And then you will see, the morning will come
And everyday will be bright as the sun
All of your fears, cast them on me
I just want you to see
I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel, I'm your angel
I saw your teardrops and I heard you cry
All you need is time, seek me and you shall find
You have everything and you're still lonely
It don't have to be this way, let me show you a better day
And then you will see, the morning will come
And all of your days will be bright as the sun
So all of your fears, just cast them on me
How can I make you see?
I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
[| From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/c/celine-dion-lyrics/i_m-your-angel-lyrics.html |]
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel, I'm your angel
And when it's time to face the storm
I'll be right by your side
Grace will keep us safe and warm
And I know we will survive
And when it seems as if your end is drawing near
Don't you dare give up the fight
Just put your trust beyond the sky
I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel
I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel
I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I'm your angel
Friday, March 2, 2012
Who am i?
Its one of these days when i wonder...who am i..........sure.....i'm use to picking up the phone and saying yes this is penny the pharmacist........but am i really a pharmacist?sometimes i wonder......
just like today...i realised that when looking at a prescription of 300mg bpenV for a 3 year old child and not realising what the problem was.........seeing my superiors picking out newbies to be their successor and realising i was never on the list or even when counselling patients that i couldnt even do properly, the basic skills that a pharmacist needs to have.....
then there was this horrible presentation.........one that i have been preparing for 3 months and still in the end i have absolutely no idea what i was saying and was basically just reading from the slides blindly......i have never been so under prepared in my whole life.....
then, there is a question and answer session.........pediatric doses for things like piriton, prednisolone, salbutamol even, i do not know.......what do i know??everyday i go to work.....am i being a health hazard to all my patients?
then there is the issue of patients. when it comes to expensive medications, who will decide which patient deserve better?does everything have to come in a first come first served basis?the world is unfair...in the world of medicine, is it fair the earlier bird gets the fattest juiciest worms?or does the richer and more educated can demand for a better treatment while others who are not so fortunate deal with what they have?
how long can i continue life like this?what can i do to become better?i use to placate myself by saying, everyday i am improving............but am i?these are one of the days when i am so glad i never chose to become a doctor because i am sure i will be one of those who end up killing all my patients.......
just like today...i realised that when looking at a prescription of 300mg bpenV for a 3 year old child and not realising what the problem was.........seeing my superiors picking out newbies to be their successor and realising i was never on the list or even when counselling patients that i couldnt even do properly, the basic skills that a pharmacist needs to have.....
then there was this horrible presentation.........one that i have been preparing for 3 months and still in the end i have absolutely no idea what i was saying and was basically just reading from the slides blindly......i have never been so under prepared in my whole life.....
then, there is a question and answer session.........pediatric doses for things like piriton, prednisolone, salbutamol even, i do not know.......what do i know??everyday i go to work.....am i being a health hazard to all my patients?
then there is the issue of patients. when it comes to expensive medications, who will decide which patient deserve better?does everything have to come in a first come first served basis?the world is unfair...in the world of medicine, is it fair the earlier bird gets the fattest juiciest worms?or does the richer and more educated can demand for a better treatment while others who are not so fortunate deal with what they have?
how long can i continue life like this?what can i do to become better?i use to placate myself by saying, everyday i am improving............but am i?these are one of the days when i am so glad i never chose to become a doctor because i am sure i will be one of those who end up killing all my patients.......
Friday, February 24, 2012
2AM on a Thursday night
Dear blog,
it is the same feeling of being really really tired but just couldnt fall asleep...........yawn.........................this is pure torture........
Relaxation music...that might help...........back to december...how is that for soothing music?
Memories came back to me.................good ones and bad ones. lately a colleague sighed and said "sometimes i feel so lonely.....unlike the rest of you...having your husband/boyfriend to go with you if you want to go somewhere for a holiday" i have to admit..sometimes i feel that way too.............when i reflect on my past.......i realise that once i was also part of this group of people that my colleague envied......i have loved somebody and he loved me back............but all i gave him was goodbye. felt a bit guilty.........but life goes on.......i'm not taylor swift......i have no intention of swallowing my pride and changing my mind.......a decision good or bad was made and even if i was to remain single for the rest of my life...SO WHAT??its better than being with a wrong person...........
i have a good future.........i am going to be a good pharmacist.........i have friends.......some i can even call family............relationships, tears, love, hurt........i don't need them..........which reminds me of a song Stay the same by Joey McIntyre.....that would be my short term goal for now...........
it is the same feeling of being really really tired but just couldnt fall asleep...........yawn.........................this is pure torture........
Relaxation music...that might help...........back to december...how is that for soothing music?
I'm so glad you made time to see me.
How's life? Tell me how's your family.
I haven't seen them in a while.
You've been good, busier than ever,
We small talk, work and the weather,
Your guard is up and I know why.
Because the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind.
You gave me roses and I left them there to die.
So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying, "I'm sorry for that night,"
And I go back to December all the time.
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you.
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right.
I go back to December all the time.
These days I haven't been sleeping,
Staying up, playing back myself leavin'.
When your birthday passed and I didn't call.
And I think about summer, all the beautiful times,
I watched you laughing from the passenger side.
Realized that I loved you in the fall.
And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was "Goodbye".
So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying, "I'm sorry for that night."
And I go back to December all the time.
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time.
I miss your tanned skin, your sweet smile,
So good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night --
The first time you ever saw me cry.
Maybe this is wishful thinking,
Probably mindless dreaming,
But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right.
I'd go back in time and change it but I can't.
So if the chain is on your door I understand.
But this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying, "I'm sorry for that night."
And I go back to December...
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,
Wishing I'd realize what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right.
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time.
All the time.
How's life? Tell me how's your family.
I haven't seen them in a while.
You've been good, busier than ever,
We small talk, work and the weather,
Your guard is up and I know why.
Because the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind.
You gave me roses and I left them there to die.
So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying, "I'm sorry for that night,"
And I go back to December all the time.
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you.
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right.
I go back to December all the time.
These days I haven't been sleeping,
Staying up, playing back myself leavin'.
When your birthday passed and I didn't call.
And I think about summer, all the beautiful times,
I watched you laughing from the passenger side.
Realized that I loved you in the fall.
And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was "Goodbye".
So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying, "I'm sorry for that night."
And I go back to December all the time.
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time.
I miss your tanned skin, your sweet smile,
So good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night --
The first time you ever saw me cry.
Maybe this is wishful thinking,
Probably mindless dreaming,
But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right.
I'd go back in time and change it but I can't.
So if the chain is on your door I understand.
But this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying, "I'm sorry for that night."
And I go back to December...
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,
Wishing I'd realize what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right.
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time.
All the time.
i have a good future.........i am going to be a good pharmacist.........i have friends.......some i can even call family............relationships, tears, love, hurt........i don't need them..........which reminds me of a song Stay the same by Joey McIntyre.....that would be my short term goal for now...........
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Unanswered questions
Dear blog,
Why do i ask questions that i dont want to hear answers about?why do i constantly hurt myself by doing things that i know will eventually come back and hurt me?why do i let my emotions cloud my better judgement?why why why?
Sometimes i wish that i could handle myself better in these kind of situations..........i am 25 years old this year.......i have lived for 25 years as a human...how could i not know that a brick wall is made of bricks and cements and keep consciously and subconsciously knocking my head on it?
Perhaps my counselor would say thats self sabotaj and that i am punishing myself...i am punishing myself because i believe that someone like me does not deserve to be loved, does not deserve to be close to someone, does not believe that the girl in the mirror is beautiful....deep within regardless of physical appearance...
Maybe i just need someone to look at me and say the words "you are beautiful". in my whole life of 25 years i have only heard those 3 words once....they were not from a boyfriend (that would be bias), those words were uttered by a friend on my 20th birthday. I long to hear these 3 words again.......
Why do i ask questions that i dont want to hear answers about?why do i constantly hurt myself by doing things that i know will eventually come back and hurt me?why do i let my emotions cloud my better judgement?why why why?
Sometimes i wish that i could handle myself better in these kind of situations..........i am 25 years old this year.......i have lived for 25 years as a human...how could i not know that a brick wall is made of bricks and cements and keep consciously and subconsciously knocking my head on it?
Perhaps my counselor would say thats self sabotaj and that i am punishing myself...i am punishing myself because i believe that someone like me does not deserve to be loved, does not deserve to be close to someone, does not believe that the girl in the mirror is beautiful....deep within regardless of physical appearance...
Maybe i just need someone to look at me and say the words "you are beautiful". in my whole life of 25 years i have only heard those 3 words once....they were not from a boyfriend (that would be bias), those words were uttered by a friend on my 20th birthday. I long to hear these 3 words again.......
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)